It’s been a
strange couple of weeks in my world. A funeral, an over 40s MOT style health
check, the arrival of my divorce, both kids home sick for a whole week, a
school parents’ evening followed by drinks with my ex-husband, another funeral
and almost a comedy night but I had to cancel due to the aforementioned sick
children. I really could have done with the laugh.
And that’s
just the edited highlights. Don’t forget to factor in the usual work, washing,
ironing, cooking, shopping etc. Firstly, I’m mentally and physically exhausted.
Secondly, I appear to have developed a slightly wonky sense of what’s
appropriate in any given setting.
I already
fessed up to the potentially inappropriate attire at the first funeral regarding
my sexy boots and red nails (see A Time For Macaroni Cheese). Regardless of
theses reservations, I wore the same outfit to the second funeral. This time,
however, there were no red nails but that was more to do with not having time
to paint them rather than any moral decision on my part.
However, it
seems my inappropriateness knows no bounds. At funeral number two, I actually
flirted with the celebrant! What was I thinking? And he used to be a vicar!
After coming to my senses, and also realizing he was in fact married, I clearly
backed off. I needed to regroup.
But even my
unconscious mind appears to be ethically challenged. A few nights later I had
what can only be described as an erotic dream involving one of the teachers at
my kids’ school! Obviously, I had absolutely no control over this little
fantasy, although I must say it wasn’t altogether unpleasant!
There are
obvious moral questions to be raised here. Firstly, is it acceptable to flirt
with an official, or anyone else for that matter, at a funeral? And secondly,
are teachers off limits, subconsciously or otherwise?
In answer to
the former query, I guess a funeral is as good a place as any to get flirting.
As long as you’re not flashing those “come to bed” eyes during the service or
winking at the bereaved spouse, I think the event itself is fair game. And
let’s be honest, when you hit forty you spend more time at funerals than you do
weddings, the classic place to meet a future spouse apparently, so you’ve got
to include them in your list of possible venues.
Addressing the
teacher issue, I would suggest they are indeed off limits. Well, perhaps until
your last child’s final term at that school so any damage is mitigated. But
that’s just my personal opinion. At the moment. I’m always happy to admit I’m
wrong and adjust my stance accordingly…
In either
case it’s irrelevant. My flirting skills are such (see Don’t Look Down) that
the unsuspecting celebrant still has no idea that I was trying to flirt with
him anyway. And, as the incident with the teacher took place in a dream I would
suggest there’s even less chance of him being aware of the goings on. Phew!
But all this
does raise further questions. When is it time to date again? How long after the
end of a relationship or death of a partner is it ok to see other men? What is
a respectable period of mourning these days?
Well, here’s
the answer. I have absolutely no flipping idea! And neither does anyone else.
However, bearing in mind many people are dating whilst still in their current
relationship and many others never date again, I can state with confidence that
the answer lies somewhere between the two.
The
overriding thing to remember is that you’re ready to date when you’re ready to
date. It’s nothing to do with how many days, weeks or months have gone past.
And it’s nothing to do with anyone else so don’t feel judged.
“Everyone
will think I’m dating too soon and that I never loved him…”
When your
partner’s gone they’re gone. Is waiting around for the six-month marker really going
to make a difference? Will it bring them back to you, if indeed you want them
back? Does it mean you loved them any less? No, it doesn’t. And what do those
people know anyway? Acceptance of loss often begins earlier than those on the
outside realize, with a failing relationship or a diagnosis of an illness. Your
grieving may have begun long before the end came, and some time before you
shared the information with those beyond your relationship. They’re in no place
to judge.
“My friends
think I’m hanging on for him to come back and that I should have started dating
ages ago…”
So they
think you’re waiting too long. No one knows how it feels to be inside your head,
processing your emotions. They don’t know if you’ve had enough time to get over
your loss and adjust to life without your partner. A long time ago, after the
end of a serious relationship that I thought I’d come to terms with, I had a
fling. Turns out I wasn’t over the first relationship after all and was
frequently found crying in my new man’s bathroom in the middle of the night. Not
good. Especially as he had two housemates and no lock on the bathroom door but
that’s another story! Anyway, what seems like too long for one person can be
too soon for another.
Everyone’s
different.
Think about
giving yourself time to grieve and finding out who you are as a person before
moving back into dating. Or don’t. Get out socializing, go on a date and have
some fun! It really is up to you and how you deal with things.
It’s not
easy making that first move. It’s hard to imagine being in a relationship with
someone else; confiding in another man; sitting on the sofa with them; being
intimate with anyone other than your husband; letting them meet your kids;
referring to a story from your life that they have no knowledge of. It all
seems so difficult and not necessarily worth the effort.
But
remember, a date doesn’t mean a relationship. It’s just a date. It’s an evening
out with drinks, dinner and conversation. That’s all.
When you
first went out with your previous partner, did you think that you’d end up
married? Probably not. I know I didn’t.
“Love is
like a virus. It can happen to anybody at anytime.”
Maya
Angelou
Don’t
overanalyze things. Relationships don’t have to last forever, as we’ve found
out to our cost. You can flirt or go on a date and if it doesn’t feel right,
you just go home afterwards and give yourself a bit more time. Or maybe, just
maybe, you’ll have a nice evening.
Love
SPB
xxx
Hi, just wondering how you got through the holidays?
ReplyDeleteHi Tiny Tippler. Lovely to hear from you. I've been a bit behind on everything I'm afraid, including the blog, but I promise the next instalment isn't far away. The Easter holidays were fine thank you - the kids had fun with their Dad and I had a relaxing break away without any tears! How's that for progress?! Thanks so much for your concern - I was really touched. And I promise to get my typing fingers back to work ASAP! Love SPB. xxx
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