It Takes Two To Tango… And Build An Ikea Bookshelf

Last weekend was spent in full DIY mode. Having moved into the new house in August I’ve gradually been buying mirrors and furniture to suit the new surroundings and fit the space. This weekend, I built some shelves for the lounge. By ‘built’ I mean I assembled an Ikea flat pack kit but I’m still taking that as a construction victory.

I am a complete girly female when it comes to DIY for a number of reasons:

1. I read the instructions.

2. I set out all the components and count them before starting.

3. I assume all said components are essential rather than optional, and I therefore use them all when told rather than skipping a few to save time.

4. I use the tools I have rather than going out to buy the latest exciting gizmo which will shortly be relegated to the back of the garage never to be handled again.

5. I only use a hammer when specifically instructed to.

6. I believe the bubble in the spirit level.

I know this may sound sexist but I believe these to be the actions of more females than males. Only this morning I had a phone call from my soon to be ex-husband who left me almost 2 years ago (see my first post Single Plus Baggage) to ask where he should put the rinse aid in his new dishwasher! I gave basic generic advice then gently suggested he read the instructions. It was bizarre on so many levels!

Anyway, since moving into my new abode I have assembled a temporary hanging rail, a dining table and 6 six chairs, a chaise longue style chair, an egg chair, 3 coffee tables, 2 garden storage cupboards and now a shelf unit too. I have an electric screwdriver and I’m not afraid to use it!

The hanging rail was particularly difficult as it was an old one so the instructions were lost long ago, some bits were broken and other elements were missing… I think! It took me hours.

So, back to the bookshelf. I was alone in the lounge with the flat pack pieces, instructions, my tools and a cup of coffee. I had already organized the screws, brackets and wooden dowels into piles and was ready to go. It wasn’t long before I was fighting back the tears!

It’s not that my ex would have done this sort of thing before, as he wasn’t really into DIY. And it’s not that I was feeling cross at having to build a new world one flat pack at a time. I was angry because the task was physically tough.

I’ve had tennis elbow since Christmas Eve and the pain was searing through my elbow, down my forearm and into my fingers. I was trying to hold 2 large pieces of wood at a 90-degree angle and push one into the other with wooden dowels. I tried every permutation of standing, sitting, kneeling and bending with every possible option of shelf unit upright, on its side, on its back, upside down… it was hopeless. And even if I did manage to get myself and the components in exactly the right position, I then couldn’t reach the hammer without something wiggling out of place. And it hurt my arm, a lot.

It really would have been helpful to have another pair of hands, except there isn’t another pair of hands in my life anymore.  Those hands now reside elsewhere. The kids are getting a bit older and could help but if they’re out with their Dad then I’m absolutely on my own.

I was on the verge of tears when I managed to pull myself back from the DIY abyss. I remembered that an extra pair of adult hands comes attached to arms that are joined to the shoulders of another human being. If that other human being, say a spouse, has an opinion, critical voice and an unwanted short cut likely to end in disaster then that’s not really a pair of hands you want helping.

I suddenly realized that doing this alone was actually easier in many ways than working with someone else. There was no voice interrupting my thoughts as I read the instructions, no one standing watching me and no one making “helpful” suggestions.

I persevered with my one armed task. The dog was perplexed. She didn’t offer to help.

Finally, I did it. Granted the last screw only went into place when I had to lie on to top of the unit to force the panel down and align the holes but it worked and, for once, my weight was an asset! The feeling of satisfaction was fantastic. And obviously made me cry some more!

By evening, the lounge corner had been tidied up with the debris previously spilling out of it neatly filed on the new shelves. The room was once again in order. I was relaxed and ready to sit on my sofa, enjoying my newly finished space. Then the dog was sick on the carpet. Keeping my cool, I cleaned it up and settled back down with a serene smile on my face. Then my son, swinging around a toy in a fashion we have all told our children to stop in order to avoid disaster, knocked my full glass of Becks Blue off the coffee table onto the floor. I gave up on my quiet night at that point.

The next day, inspired by my success, I was tempted to pull out the bathroom cabinet flat pack, lounge mirror and hallway pictures and get stuck in. However, it’s important to know your limits.

Firstly, when your arm feels like it’s being stabbed with a burning hot skewer, it’s time to take some painkillers and rest. Also, any furniture item with doors that need adjusting so they don’t end up wonky is not for the novice DIYer. And hanging a mirror that you can’t even lift single handedly is never going to end well. So I’ve booked a lovely handyman for next week to come and finish off!

In summary, I would say 3 things:

1. Build what you can. Keep going. You can do more than you first think.

2. Get help when you need it. Be realistic. It’s not a sign of failure or defeat.

3. Invest in, or make friends with someone who own a carpet cleaning vacuum device.

Happy DIYing everyone!

Love

SPB

xxx

Discovering Silver Linings

This morning it was cold, very cold. In fact it was minus 1 degree Celsius. I don’t have enough words to describe to you how much I hate being cold. I have a ridiculously low tolerance for it. When I was at school I was the only one whose fingers turned purple and hands became claw like when playing hockey. I’m sure I was born to live in a warmer climate.

Also near the top of the list of “Things SPB Despises” is clearing up dog poo from the garden. It’s smelly, squidgy and just plain horrible. I know it only takes a few minutes to do but you’d be amazed at how many jobs I can find that are more urgent – tidying the under stairs cupboard, defuzzing the shower head, Googling the answer to whatever random question the children have posed that morning, alphabetizing my recipe book shelf… ok, you got me. The latter is a pleasure not a chore! But, as with the other tasks mentioned, it is by no means as urgent as removing canine faeces from the lawn when your kids want to kick a football around.

Not only was the temperature below freezing this morning but also the urgency to clear the dog poo had reached an epic level. Without swift intervention I may have had to report myself to the environmental health people. So, I stood at the back door with a heavy heart and a pocket full of poo sacks ready to take on the semi-arctic task. It was a low point in my week.

But here’s the thing… It was fine. It wasn’t a problem at all. The freezing temperature had caused the excrement to solidify meaning no more soggy smelly mess. The scooping was the most satisfying I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve done it a lot.

This light bulb moment really got me thinking. Let’s be honest, the job in hand, as it were, didn’t require a huge amount of brainpower. Two of the things I really hate, which when combined should have presented a double whammy of discontent, were actually much more manageable. What should have been a hellish job was almost pleasant. Maybe pleasant is the wrong word but I wanted to emphasize the impact of this defining moment in my life.

As I continued the bagging process, I started to reflect on recent things in my life that I thought were going to be awful but turned out much better than anticipated. Life at 40-something isn’t what I thought it would be. The separation and subsequent necessary changes in my world were never in my dreams but, with a little mental adjustment, I realized they weren’t that disastrous. It just meant looking at things in a different way.

Mentally, I went through my complaints’ list and tried to spot the silver lining to each cloud or the unexpected opportunity presented. Surprisingly, it wasn’t that hard…

1. Selling The Family Home

I didn’t want to sell my home and I particularly didn’t want to have to uproot the kids at such a sensitive time but it was necessary. All those memories of where they’d achieved a milestone, lost a tooth, banged a head, drew on the carpet and so on. I didn’t think I could manage without seeing that scenery each day. But those memories exist in my head and my heart, and to some extent my photo albums too. However, I realized that I actually needed to leave behind the ghosts of a failed marriage. The reminders of happier times now spoiled. The rooms where painful truths were revealed. The corners where so many tears were shed. It was time to move on and create new memories.

2. Moving To An Unknown Area

Splitting the assets meant moving to a cheaper area to secure a property for the kids and me. Goodbye lush green countryside, hello new urban world. At first it was noisier, busier and less private. I wasn’t sure how we would adjust. But after a week I realized I wasn’t scared going to bed at night. I wasn’t worrying about getting broken into the way secluded houses like our last did frequently. Plus the kids would be more independent and able to travel to secondary school or to visit friends by bus rather than relying on me to drive them everywhere. That gave me more freedom too. Mummy-Cabs was shutting up shop, or at least going part-time.

3. My Furniture Doesn’t Fit In The Smaller House

Well it might have done but I’m not sure double decker sofas will ever really catch on. The thought of having to sell my furniture was hard, but it meant getting rid of even more negative memories and choosing furniture for my new world. I found that quite liberating. Plus it was funded in part by the sale of the old items on EBay. Ah yes, I discovered EBay. If you haven’t done it yet, sell something on EBay and I challenge you not to become obsessed with checking your bids on a minute-by-minute basis. What a rush!!!

4. I Miss My Garden

Like the new house, the garden is soooo much smaller than the last one. In fact, it’s smaller than the patio of my previous garden! But on the upside, it’s much quicker to pick up the dog poo, simpler to take care of and significantly cheaper to Astroturf which is the new big thing I’m told! Although much to my children’s dismay I’m opting for green with a hint of brown rather than electric blue.

5. I Miss My Kids

Don’t’ misunderstand me, they still live with me. I mean I miss them both madly when they go and spend a day or a weekend with their Dad. I’m just not used to being without them. The three of us did everything together. Now suddenly they’re whisked away on a regular basis and I feel lost. I have to give the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy a new address this year and I don’t want to. This is without doubt the toughest part of our new lifestyle for me. But, motivated by the frozen dog poo incident, I am looking for the silver lining. It does mean that I can go out with a friend at the last minute without needing a babysitter, arrange a work appointment at the weekend if a client is busy during the week, or even go away for a couple of days myself for some pampering. Do I sound convinced? No, I guess not. I’ll work on it.

6. Lonely Evenings

Suddenly there’s no one to turn to and consult about what to have for dinner, what to watch on TV or whose family to visit at the weekend. On the upside, there’s no one to consult about what to have for dinner, what to watch on TV, or whose family to visit at the weekend! You can choose.

7. No More Intimacy

So, there are no more kisses, cuddles, shoulder massages…you don’t need me to continue surely?! I think you know where I’m going with this. The intimacy that comes with love and familiarity is no longer part of our world but here’s something you have over your attached friends… the potential for a first kiss with someone else! Remember that electricity? That tickly feeling in your gut? Who knows what, or who, tomorrow may bring…!

8. Awkward Friend Situations

Some people will pick sides, some will choose to spend time with you both, and others will just disappear off your radar completely. Ultimately, that’s their choice not yours. Is that really so bad? You may end up with one or two fewer names on your Christmas card list but you can count on the fact that those who stick around are true friends worthy of your time. The others are no great loss. Plus, any friends of your ex that you don’t really like… no need to pretend anymore!

9. I Need To Earn More Money

The end of a marriage can mean financial pressure to go back to work or increase your income, as your expenses are no longer shared. This can be tricky (see Single Plus Baggage… Plus Job!). But, it also has its positives. The workplace is somewhere to spend time with other adult human beings plus you can start to build financial independence not to mention your sense of worth, something that can take a bashing post separation.

10. More Silver Linings…

More wardrobe space, being able to eat pork scratchings without judgment, not having to unravel balled up man-socks, no need to defend your decision not to take the child who has just vomited to a doctor to rule out Norovirus and other possible afflictions… make your own list of upsides ladies and keep it for your darker moments!

So, it's not all bad. It’s tempting when you first find yourself like me, Single Plus Baggage, to wallow in self pity and feel like the victim of a crime but that’s not a healthy long term solution. That doesn’t mean we can’t be sad, grieve for our losses and hide under the duvet for a few days here and there, but it means when we reappear, we need to think positively and look to the future.

And we can have a happy future if we allow ourselves to. We just need to look at our situation from another angle and not assume the worst.

So, I won’t moan about the cold weather anymore, I’ll just wear more layers. And I won’t sigh when I have to clear up the dog poo, I’ll just imagine it’s Playdough. And on the days where the two coincide, I’ll smile to myself and remember the parable of the frozen dog poo!

Right, I’m off to bed in my most snuggly PJs to eat a packet of pork scratchings and watch White Collar on Netflix!

Love

SPB

xxx

Seeing Red

It’s no longer safe to enter the high street. Crimson assaults our eyes at every turn. Shops are bursting at the seams with blood red offerings. Pale-faced men are stalking the aisles looking for the thing they need to get them through the night. No, the vampires haven’t taken over. These men aren’t looking to drain the lifeblood of innocent shop assistants. They want to grab a card, choose a teddy bear, pick some flowers, buy chocolates then get out. Yes folks, it’s Valentine’s weekend!

Don’t get me wrong, this sight doesn’t make we want to run and hide in the way that the cosy happy families Christmas displays did (see Christmas Is Coming!) but it is yet another slap-in-the-face reminder that I am no longer part of a couple.

While the world is out and about shopping for heart shaped cookies and sexy underwear to give their partners a thrill, or a cardiac arrest, there is some debate as to what us singletons are supposed to be doing.

I’ve done some research into this and as far as I can tell we should be doing one or more of the following:

1) Crying into a bucket of wine

2) Having a boyfriend bonfire for all previous sentimental gifts

3) Cutting up our ex-husband’s clothing

4) Plotting revenge using coloured pens and an A3 white board

5) Pretending we don’t care

None of these approaches are particularly constructive. Crying into a bucket of wine just dilutes it and turns it slightly salty. What a waste! And why burn gifts that actually belong to us? Especially teddy bears – that’s just wrong. It’s not that I like these nauseating items. It’s just that they’ll stare at you and judge you until their plastic eyes have melted into a gooey mess. I don’t want those nightmares for the next year thank you very much!

At least cutting up your ex-partner’s clothes is destroying their stuff not yours but if they’ve moved out and left those bits behind there’s not really much point. You’re probably just doing the charity shop out of a few decent items. Now that’s mean! Why would you do that?

Then there’s plotting revenge. Despite the detail here regarding the pens and white board I promise this is not something I’ve ever entertained. However, I like to think that should I ever be required to plan someone’s untimely demise they would be my weapons of choice. I can see the flowcharts, diagrams, colour coding and key to symbols clearly in my head now…

Anyway, revenge is an odd notion here. Your partner may have hurt you by going, but maybe them staying would have hurt you more in the long run. The whole blame thing is a messy topic for another time. Suffice it to say here, revenge won’t fix a broken heart and may end with a criminal record. Don’t waste your energy.

And finally, there’s pretending you don’t care. That’s like buying a lottery ticket, finding out you had all the right numbers but to the wrong week’s draw then professing not to be bothered as too much money just complicates life. Let’s be straight with each other here. We do care that we no longer have a plus one so let’s just accept it without it becoming all consuming.

But where does that leave us? What are we supposed to do this Valentine’s weekend? The answer is simple. We do whatever we want to do. It’s just another day. We don’t have to get caught up in all the hype. And come Monday morning the shops will be back to normal with a regular amount of red adorning their shelves.

Plus, don’t forget the positive side to being single on Valentine’s Day. Less expense, no feigning delight at the gaudy teddy bear you’re presented with, no pressure to fulfill marital expectations (and I don’t mean ironing his shirts), and no need to pretend you’re happy when you’re not…

Being single doesn’t give us the monopoly on being lonely. Far from it. I’m less lonely on my own today than I was on many occasions during my marriage. When things are going wrong, smiling and putting on a brave face takes its toll, even with a man standing next to you. That’s loneliness.

I see couples seemingly enjoying each others company and I like to think they’re happy. I hope they’re happy. But I no longer assume that’s the case. You never know what goes on in other people’s relationships, what mask they present to the outside world. Whether they’re truly content, or silently crying themselves to sleep at night.

Being single isn’t the worst position to be in on Valentine’s Day.

So, do whatever you feel like doing this year, because singledom means you get to choose, subject to the kids’ weekend activities obviously! I plan to pick up my Great British Bake Off book and make some scrummy edible treats for me and the kids. Although, rest assured, none will be heart shaped!

And if this blog happens to reach the eyes of a potential future Mr SPB here’s a little tip for you… never buy me a cutesy Valentine’s teddy bear, ever. Thank you.

Finally, to all my friends - single or otherwise - be happy.

Love

SPB
xxx

Doing Life Differently

The most amazing thing happened last weekend. I got to use my new fat separator to make the gravy with our Sunday roast! For those of you who don’t know what this ingenious gadget is, let me enlighten you.

When making gravy using meat juices rather than Bisto you will inevitably get a layer of fat on top of the gravy after it’s allowed to settle for a couple of minutes. But, and here’s the kicker, when you pour the gravy onto your dinner you get the oily bit too. Not tasty. But the spout on the fat separator jug takes liquid from the bottom not the top meaning you pour only the gravy, leaving the oil slick behind. How fabulous is that? I was so excited.

And then it dawned on me. I was stuck in a bit of rut. Not the clothing rut of which I wrote a couple of weeks ago (See Who's Up For Some Zhooshing?) but a gravy rut. I mean a symbolic gravy rut not that I was drowning in actual gravy. That would indeed be weird although potentially more exciting than the gravy separator story itself. But stay with me.

You see my life has been ticking along nicely, if you exclude the disappearing husband bit, and I am now fairly content in my world. My routine varies little, as is the nature of routine, and it works. During the week I do the school run, go to work, take care of the house, another school run, supervise homework, make dinner, watch TV with the kids, then pop them off to bed before tidying up, watching an episode of White Collar on Netflix in my PJs then going to sleep myself. Weekends are pretty similar but with the school runs swapped for party runs, additional school uniform washing, a roast dinner and a few board games thrown into the mix.

I like my routine. I particularly like watching White Collar. If you appreciate an intelligent, cultured man in a smart suit with an oh-so-fit body hidden beneath and a smile that makes you go all wobbly inside then this is the show for you! Oh, and it’s got a great storyline too.

There is absolutely no need for the following photo but I’ve put it in regardless to make you smile. Meet Neal Caffrey…

Anyway, as pleasant as that diversion was, it was a diversion nonetheless! Let’s move on and save the dashing Mr Caffrey for later.

My point is that I’m doing the same old thing day in, day out. There’s nothing innately wrong with that. As a survival technique, hanging on to a routine is superb. It means the essentials get done and your brain doesn’t have to be bothered with managing any new information in a time of crisis. It’s free to go into meltdown while you process what may feel like the end of your world. The routine means that you and the kids all make it through the day in one piece regardless of whatever else is going on. But once you get past the disaster, or it starts to diminish and takes up less of your thinking capacity, it’s time to start living again.

That doesn’t necessarily mean going back to do doing the things you used to love in your spare time pre catastrophe. Maybe you’ve changed and don’t enjoy those things anymore. Maybe you used to do them with your partner and you can’t imagine doing them alone or with someone else. Or maybe you just feel you want to find new experiences. Let me elaborate.

I recently went on a hen weekend with a lovely friend and bride-to-be. After a fun filled day of games and a night of food and drink we all crashed out at the hen’s sister’s house. Unfortunately, travelling home on the Sunday morning was more of a challenge than the previous day’s activities due to a vicious post hen party hangover. If only I’d discovered Becks Blue earlier!

Anyway, in the taxi back to the station I was staring out of the window and indulging in one of my favourite pastimes – people watching. In all honesty, I was trying to focus my eyes on anything that could take my mind off the nausea rising from within. Anyway, I realized there was a city full of people going about their day in completely different ways.

They weren’t having a quiet Sunday morning lie in - they were out and about. Instead of being at home doing the washing in their PJs they were wearing gym gear and going for a run. Rather than each member of the household grabbing a slice of toast as they pass through the kitchen, families were sitting chatting over breakfast together in a trendy café. There were signs for foods I’d never heard of let alone considered eating.

There were families with rucksacks heading off to who knew where. I saw kids on scooters and bicycles beside their parents, out for no reason other than that they could. There were even adults on skateboards and roller blades. People were out meeting friends – on a Sunday! That was unheard of when I was a kid. People were going places to do things and I wanted to ask each and every one of them what they had planned for the day. The city was buzzing with people doing all sorts of diverse things.

They were all doing life a different way. And they looked happy.

I made a promise to myself that day which I’d totally forgotten about until the gravy separator came into my life.  I was going to start doing life differently. I wasn’t going to move into a city or learn to ride a unicycle but I was going to make some small changes in my little world.

So I’m going to give it another go now and I want you to do it with me! Let’s see how we can add a little pizzazz to our lives…

1. Do Something New Each Day

Take an alternative route to work; walk the dog in a park you haven’t been to before; choose a different sandwich flavour for lunch; stop in a café for a quick coffee and a piece of cake; buy an unusual ingredient in the supermarket with no idea of what you’re going to do with it; play TV channel roulette and watch whatever it falls on for at least ten minutes… you get the idea!

2. Pick A Hobby

Choose a hobby that you’d like to take up and give it a chance. Maybe you’ve always fancied learning the piano, taking singing lessons, playing tennis, trying ballroom dancing, running, drawing, knitting or whatever takes your fancy. Find a club, a teacher, a book or a YouTube tutorial to get you started.

3. Get The Kids Involved

Introduce the kids to something new that you can all do together. Whether it’s baking, board game challenges, ice skating, picnics in the park, driving into the countryside to get deliberately lost and explore new places… basically anything not related to housework or school that you can do as a family.

4. Accept An Invitation You Wouldn’t Normally Accept

You know the one I mean. That coffee morning or drinks party you “couldn’t make”? The invitation comes in and when you check your diary you’re relieved to see a prior engagement. Never has a school parent evening or dental visit looked so inviting. Well man up ladies! Say yes and go along. By all means have an exit strategy of a later “appointment” or similar but give it a go. At the very least you may get a tip on how someone else is doing life and what you might want to absorb into yours.

5. “Things I’m Going To Do” List

When you see or hear about something you think you’d like to do one day don’t ignore it or put it on your wish list, put it on your “things I’m going to do” list. Maybe it’s a play a friend’s been to see, a holiday destination you’ve always planned to visit or an experience you’ve fancied undertaking but shied away from like skydiving. If you want to do it you can, so put it on the list and start to work your way through the entries rather than filing the scrap of paper in a drawer.

So lovely people, let’s go forth into the world and do life differently. There are so many things out there for us to enjoy and we don’t even know they exist until we swap our PJs for some clean clothes, get out into the real world and open our eyes! I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the number of times you find yourself smiling along the way. I’d love to hear about what you all get up to! Leave a note in the comments section below or email me at singleplusbaggage@gmail.com.

But while you’re making these little tweaks to your world, remember the routine is there for a reason, for security and to make sure we get done what we need to. So by all means discover and enjoy new things but… never neglect your gravy and make sure you watch White Collar soon. You won’t regret it.

Enjoy!!!!

Love

SPB

xxx