Don't Look Down

So, it’s nearly New Year’s Eve and this is my final post of 2015. I could waffle on about this last year – the difficulties, the triumphs, the lessons learned. Or I could look to the year ahead – my plans, hopes and aspirations. Instead, I’m choosing to live in the moment, something I’m generally rubbish at doing. However, a good friend of mine who’s into mindfulness has got me trying to do exactly that - focusing on and enjoying what I’m doing now. I’m sure there’s more to it than that but it’ll do for the time being.

In the now I’m thinking about New Year’s Eve parties and celebrations. Parties in my younger days used to be an opportunity to go out with friends, dance, drink and wonder if Mr Right would show up and sweep me off my feet. These days, parties usually mean me ferrying small people to a venue with laser combat, Nerf guns, trampolines, cheerleading instructors, cupcake baking or go-karting, although not usually at the same time. I generally return two hours later to collect a hyperactive yet exhausted and pale-faced child to be whisked home at speed before they spread the entire contents of their party bag all over the back seat of the car.

But what about a New Year’s Eve party for us 40-something singletons? What are we supposed to do? Well, here’s your answer… Do what we did as kids or in our 20s and 30s – eat cake, have fun, make new friends and just maybe meet someone we might like to spend more time with. And how do we do that? Well, we need to flirt.

Ok, so I can hear the gasps of horror from my desk. Don’t panic ladies. I’m not sending you out there without the right preparation. I’ll be your wingman. I’ve done the groundwork, researched what seemed to come naturally all those years ago, and compiled my top ten tips for flirting in your forties!

Now, for all those planning to stay in this New Year, don’t think this let’s you off the hook. Oh no! We’re all in this together remember? If you’re having an evening in, presumably you’ll still need to go to the supermarket for supplies or take the kids/dog/bearded dragon for a breath of fresh air at the park/woods/beach. These tips are for you too!

And might I add, you happily married types need to read on too. There’s something quite luscious about flirting unexpectedly with your long-term partner. Give it a go and enjoy the outcome!

According to my research there are plenty of opportunities to flirt. That doesn’t mean pinning a guy to a wall until he capitulates and gives you his mobile number, favourite honeymoon destination and ring size. It means being open to possibilities. So, whether you find yourself at a party, café, art gallery, work conference or woodland park the rules are essentially the same.

But, don’t reserve your flirtation for “the one”. You need to practise! Very few of us, after all these years, are likely to get it right first time and I’d rather not send my knight in shining armour cantering for the hills because I was lazy and didn’t exercise my flirt muscles first.

Let me explain. This week, while the kids were with my ex, I took my dog for a walk along the coastal promenade and I made it my business to be open to opportunities. I was utterly rubbish!

I couldn’t look at any guy. My gaze seemed to be glued to the ground with only a brief glance up, the odd smirk rather than smile and disturbingly I also appeared to have become mute. It was not my finest hour. Even the rather lovely looking guy walking his dog on a skateboard (the owner not the dog) who smiled and said “Hi” got very little from me. Now don’t you start yelling “cougar” at me! He was around my age, perhaps a teensy bit younger, quite sporty looking and clearly had found an energy saving dog walking technique… or a quick mode of escape from cougars! Alas, due to my lack of preparation, I’ll never know.

Anyway, my point is, practice is essential! With it comes skill, confidence and a stack of amusing stories you’re free to share with us all in the comments section at the end of this blog! If I’m putting myself out there it’s only fair you fess up too!

So, let’s get down to business! Here are my top ten tips for forties flirting. Start with number 1 and work your way through the list!

1. Don’t Look Down

Unless you are fortunate enough to have a man already on their knees at your feet, don’t look down! You need to look up and maintain eye contact. Advice varies on how long this should be but most sources suggest about 3 seconds or, as one lovely friend once said, just a little longer than is comfortable!

2. Smile

Keep it natural! Demonic grins are a tad off putting. Notice how you smile or laugh when the kids say something amusing or your girlfriends relay a funny story. That’s what you’re trying to emulate. If that means showing teeth then so be it. But make sure you’ve flossed!

3. Speak

At this early stage of communication, merely being able to say “Hi” without your voice cracking is a good start. Say it a few times to yourself, in the bathroom if necessary, before attempting it on a living human being.

4. Use Your Body

Go easy here ladies. I’m not suggesting your start rubbing yourself against your chosen target lambada stylie. I’m talking about keeping your hands to yourself for now and merely leaning in. Then you can add smoothing your clothes, touching your face, parting your hair, stroking your glass, manipulating your drink stirrer, adjusting your jewellery and so on.

5. Light Conversation

Don’t open with anything along the lines of “my husband just died/ran off with the nanny/realized he was gay and now lives with his gym instructor.” Equally, suggesting a weekend away may be premature. Stick with talking about the event, food, drink, friends in common or, if you’re desperate, the weather.

6. Compliment Him

Girls compliment girls all the time on their hair, skin, make-up, clothes, shoes, bags etc. No one ever compliments a guy, with the possible exception of his Mum. Commenting on his eyes, smile or clothing is quite safe. Avoid the trouser area at all costs.

7. Touch Him

I said touch not grope! Briefly placing your hand on an arm or knee can be wonderfully sensual for you both whilst still remaining at a relatively safe level of contact.

8. Mirror Behaviour

This is one of my favourites! Couples over time tend to mimic each other’s behaviour without realising it. If you start to do this with someone you’ve just met it creates a sense of intimacy that can be quite tantalizing!  Just don’t overdo it.

9. Progressing Conversation

Ask questions and be interested in the answers. Explore hobbies and passions, and don’t forget to open up about what you enjoy too. These conversations are more memorable and it gives you both an opportunity to see if you have anything in common or if there’s a spark worth nurturing.

10. Call To Action

Let’s be honest, guys don’t often pick up on our subtle ways and subliminal messages so let’s spell it out for them! If you’re interested, tell him. By that, I mean don’t just end on a polite “It’s been lovely chatting to you”. You need to add in “Maybe we could do this again sometime.” Unless you’re not interested of course, in which case get out of there and don’t leave any evidence of your identity!

How difficult does that sound???

So, ladies, this is your New Year’s challenge. Get your flirt on! That doesn’t mean you have to marry the first guy you smile at. You just need to get back into communicating with adult males, or females if you choose, in a way that doesn’t involve drop off logistics for a kids’ rugby match!

I’d love to hear your tips, success stories and anecdotes so feel free to leave a comment below or email me directly at singleplusbaggage@gmail.com.

And if you remember nothing else when you’re out and about this New Year, remember rule number one - don’t look down!

Happy New Year everyone!

Love

SPB

xxx

Merry Christmas!

Dear Friends

Have a wonderful Christmas

With love

SPB

xxx

Cookies, Lego & The Wizard Of Oz!

So, here it comes… the first Christmas of my new life!

Actually, that’s not strictly true. Last year was my first Christmas as a single woman again, but if I can get my hands on the video evidence of me singing with my sisters in pyjamas and a sombrero I’m hoping no one will remember it – I certainly don’t. Judging by how I felt on Boxing Day, I’m fairly sure there was a large amount of wine consumed. I’m not proud of it. This year, I think I’ll be favouring the Becks Blue!

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about Christmas traditions and wondering what to do this year.

My first instinct was to hang on to as many traditions as possible that the kids and I were used to. I wanted to show them, and myself, that the divorce hadn’t changed our world that much after all.

That meant doing lovely things like baking lemon cookies together with all my nieces and nephews, making a table centrepiece and, of course, me staying up until 3am on the lounge floor wrapping presents whilst watching Love Actually on DVD, then being unable to stand upright for the next week. Oh the joys of Christmas!

It also meant an afternoon at Winter Wonderland dodging other Bambiesque patrons on the ice rink, getting soaked in the 4D cinema and risking serious injury on the bumper cars and slides… Two years ago my son ignored the sign telling him not to jump on the mammoth bouncy slide saying he thought it was one of those warnings they didn’t really mean. He ended up with a nasty friction burn. It’s the health and safety equivalent of crying wolf. Too many warnings about the dangers of monkey bars, perils of conkers and certain death associated with frolicking on trampolines mean that kids today understandably become a little blasé about such signs.

Moving on, whilst planning the traditional Christmas jollies, I had a small internal crisis. Maybe I’d got it wrong? Maybe this was the time for fresh beginnings and starting new traditions - replacing the Christmas pudding no one ever eats with a Malteser chocolate cake version and getting the kids to make a table centerpiece of their own. I was thinking along the lines of pinecones, twigs, leaves, berries and all things natural. They, on the other hand, chose Lego. I’m trying so hard not to at least suggest a colour scheme! I have, however, specified it needs to accommodate a candle. Health and safety wise it’s a much better option than mine.

Then I got thinking about old traditions from my childhood – Dad saving the tips he got from his second job to buy a Christmas board game, Mum putting raffle prizes in a hollow Father Christmas to be drawn at the dinner table, and not forgetting watching The Wizard Of Oz on television.

If you haven’t seen it… how have you managed that? Anyway, here’s the gist. During a tornado Dorothy bangs her head and dreams she’s lost, trying to get home. The Good Witch Of The North tells her to follow the Yellow Brick Road to the Emerald City and get help from the Wizard of Oz. On the way she fends off the Wicked Witch Of The West and meets up with three likely lads – the Tin Man who wants a heart, the Cowardly Lion who wants courage and the Scarecrow who wants a brain. The Wizard grants all their wishes but disappears before he can return Dorothy home. However, on the advice of the Good Witch, she closes her eyes and clicks the heels of her ruby shoes together three times whilst uttering the words “there’s no place like home”. Soon she’s back where she belongs.

That’s definitely the abridged version and I’ve missed out a stack of detail with more symbolism than you’ll ever believe. Seriously, type “symbolism in The Wizard of Oz” into Google and you’ll get entries as far apart as feminism, conspiracy theory, Jung’s psychoanalytic theories, religion, atheism, the collapse of the US populist movement and American monetary policy! I kid you not.

I’m going for a slightly less highbrow interpretation if I may. I believe, and I think my psychotherapist would agree with me here, that this is just about life.

Life is a journey – yes, I said the “j” word! We’re following our own Yellow Brick Road in search of the person who can give us the answers. We think there’s a Wizard out there that can make it right but actually, we have the power within ourselves to get to where we want to be. We just have to believe we can do it.

And the three travelling companions are really all parts of us. We beat ourselves up if we feel we’ve been lacking in heart just because we snapped at the kids when we didn’t mean to or ran out of time to visit a friend we planned to catch up with. We chastise ourselves for being too scared to take a risk in work, home or love. Then we punish ourselves for being brainless and making a mistake.

But we’re only human, just like everyone else. Our heart is only so big, not all risks are worth taking and mistakes are how we learn. Plus, it’s useful for our kids to see that we’re not perfect so they don’t grow up expecting too much of themselves.

As for the Wicked Witch Of The West, we’re always going to encounter people working against us. Although they generally won’t set a hoard of flying monkeys on us as in the film, they have the potential to make our life tricky and we just have to manage them as best we can. On the other hand, if they do attempt the monkey thing, I’d go with some sort of banana distraction.

And what about the sparkly red shoes? Who wouldn’t want a pair of those? Where do you think Christian Louboutin got the idea for red soles?

Despite the imperfections of her home life, all Dorothy really wanted was to get back to her family. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for? So what if our family isn’t the traditional format? Neither was Dorothy’s. She was an orphaned teen living with her aunt and uncle. No one has the perfect, normal life. There’s no such thing. Home and family are defined by us - kids, partners, pets, extended family, friends, hangers on… and you.

Whether you want to anaylse the film’s intentions in depth or just kick your shoes off and escape to Oz for a while, it’s a classic worthy of its place in the traditional Christmas television schedule. For info, that’s 3.10pm, Christmas Day, Channel 5.

But, maybe we don’t have to choose between the new, the old and the very old traditions. Perhaps it’s time to merge them all, selecting our favourite traditions and creating our Christmas, our way.

So, I’ll enjoy the new Malteser Christmas Pudding and marvel at the ultra modern Lego centrepiece but I’ll also relish baking lemon cookies, sitting on the floor playing a family board game and maybe snuggling up with the kids to watch The Wizard of Oz too.

Close your eyes ladies, click those heels together and say to yourselves three times “there’s no place like home”. Never doubt that you have the heart, courage and brain to make it the best Christmas ever for you and your family.

Merry Christmas!

SPB

xxx

Christmas Is Coming!

Some days, I just don’t want Christmas to happen. I want to pack it all up into a box and stick it back in the loft. Earlier this week I found myself, not unusually, in the supermarket. But I desperately wanted to run back out, jump in the car and go home. I didn’t want to be around the twinkly lights, festive songs, tins of Roses, mince pies, Baileys and antler wearing staff. I only went in for bleach!

I know everyone feels a bit that way at this time of year, but being Single Plus Baggage this advent has brought with it a new level of emptiness in the silent echoing gaps between songs and celebrations.

I don’t want to think about happy families singing carols around the piano, opening presents together by the tree and laughing happily as they look adoringly at each other over the turkey, trying not to spill gravy on their matching festive jumpers. I want to hide under my duvet and not resurface until January.

But, I have two fabulous children for whom the show must go on! So I pulled myself together and headed up to the school for an early morning concert.

Apart from being enormously proud of my children singing in their respective choirs, I was moved beyond words by another performance. A group of year 4 girls sang “Where Are You Christmas” from “How The Grinch Stole Christmas”, a superb film I can highly recommend. Anyway, one of these little ladies was extra special. I’ve watched her mature and blossom over the last 9 years, and she was amazing. She sang and smiled in angelic innocence throughout. And I cried…

Where are you Christmas?

Why can't I find you?

Why have you gone away?

Where is the laughter

You used to bring me?

Why can't I hear music play?

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too?

My emotions were raging out of control and my lips were quivering dangerously, threatening to release a full on wail.

I adored Christmas as a child. I even loved Christmas as an adult. But those were simpler times. A traditional family with a mum, a dad and kids. We would choose whether to stay at home on our own, invite other family or go to theirs instead. Suddenly, just because there’s no husband in the picture, the kids and I are viewed as an incomplete family. Whatever will become of us in this time of good cheer? What if we “end up on our own?” The concerns visible on the faces of loving friends and family echo my own bleak thoughts.

I looked into the beautifully sincere faces of the girls who were singing straight into my heart. I dared not blink in case I released the cascade of tears welling up in my eyes…

Where are you Christmas?

Do you remember

The one you used to know?

I'm not the same one

See what the time's done

Is that why you have let me go?

But Christmas hasn’t let me go because I’ve got older, or because I’m no longer a wife. I’m the same person I was. I value and enjoy the same things. I can choose. I can choose to let Christmas go or I can choose to grab it by the reindeer horns and have some fun like the old days. I clenched my tissues tightly as the girls sang on…

Christmas is here

Everywhere, oh

Christmas is here

If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind

You will feel like Christmas all the time

Suddenly, it all made sense. I was inspired to bring back my kind of Christmas. I couldn’t hold back the tears now. But they were tears of hope and joy not loneliness and fear. I wanted to dance out and rediscover my passion for all things festive.

But, putting that into practice when I left behind that safe, warm, school hall bursting with innocence and promise was another story. Then, my own Christmas miracle happened.

One evening my car broke down. Nothing miraculous about that I agree. More inconvenient and annoying I’d say. They’re not the actual words I said but let’s not get caught up in the detail. Anyway, when I finally got home, courtesy of a rather lovely RAC man I might add, I went into a panic. How was I going to collect my Christmas tree the next morning??? I know, “First World Problems” I hear you mutter, but stick with me.

I had no husband to fall back on and everyone else with a big car was busy. What if they sold all the bushy trees before I could find someone free to help me? I was stumped, annoyingly dependent and, once again, quite obviously on my own. Then, a spark of inspiration. I asked a friend if I could borrow her transit van to bring the tree home and she said yes! I imagine I felt something of what Mary may have experienced when she realised Joseph had a donkey to transport her and her bump to Bethlehem. Or not. Anyway, suddenly I felt back in control.

So, the very next morn, with the kids in the back of the van supervising the tree that was poking through to the front and bashing me on the head, I drove us all home from the garden centre. And lo, there was music. But we didn’t make our journey accompanied by the tuneful voice of Michael Bublé. Oh no. The kids were composing, and singing at great volume, their version of “The 12 Days of Christmas” all about food. Did they have 5 gold rings? No, they did not. They had 5 onion rings! And did each verse end with a partridge in a pear tree? Absolutely not! It was a par-snip that was hair-y!

They sang their hearts out, and I laughed so hard I cried… again! I was deliriously happy. My family is awesome. We make an unbeatable team.

So, I got my Christmas magic back. We went out and bought new Christmas lights – indoor and outdoor. I found a recipe for a chocolate Christmas pudding covered in Maltesers that we can’t wait to attempt. And we have a new brightly lit sign in the front window that simply says, “Joy”.

I’m not letting this spark inside me disappear. Santa will fill the kids’ stockings this year as usual, but obviously he’s a helper down in our household so I had thought it could be time for me to grow up and put my empty stocking away… Not a chance! I’m keeping the dream alive for me and the kids by making sure my stocking is full of things I love – some snuggly socks, a dark chocolate orange, a mindfulness colouring book with pencils, a brain-bending puzzle, an origami kit and a novel I can’t wait to read!

I feel you Christmas

I know I've found you

You never fade away

The joy of Christmas

Stays here inside us

Fills each and every heart with love

Whilst you’re busy this Christmas trying to fulfill everyone else’s wishes, remember what makes it special for you too. Your circumstances may be different, but you’re still you inside. And you deserve a very happy Christmas. Choose to make it happen.

And to the beautiful year 4 angel who helped me rediscover my Christmas mojo, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

SPB

xxx