Single Plus Baggage… Plus Job!

One thing that still gives me the odd sleepless night is worrying about my future financial security (see The Fear). I know that as a fairly bright and resourceful woman with more qualifications than stretch marks (and believe me I have some spectacular stretch marks!) I could find myself gainful employment if I put my mind to it. However, there are complications…

Twelve years ago I stopped work as a lecturer to bring up my kids. I had a great job, good salary and was well respected among my colleagues. However the six-day weeks and long days weren’t conducive to raising a family. My husband, at the time, and I preferred the idea of me being at home with the children to employing a nanny so I took the plunge. Bye-bye commuter trains, hello Thomas The Tank Engine.

Fast forward through the baby, toddler and pre-school years and I find myself now with two primary school age children. Somewhat unexpectedly I also have a soon-to-be ex-husband so it’s time to go back to work. A few years earlier than planned but apparently things change and I have to roll with the punches!

But I can’t really see myself going back to my old job. Imagine my letter of application…

Dear Sirs

I would be grateful if you would consider allowing me to return to my old post. Obviously I know things have changed and I have missed out on 12 years of business affairs but I’m sure we can work around that.

Also, I wonder if we could consider restructuring my hours. I am no longer available for lectures from 8am to 5pm as before but could probably get there for about 10am after dropping the kids at school and would realistically need to be away by 3pm for pick up. Obviously that means I will no longer be available for the weekend and evening sessions I used to work either. Oh and I know that, unlike schools and colleges, your business runs all year round but I can’t work during school holidays – that’s about 20 weeks per year. Plus, if either one of my kids is sick I’ll need to cancel a lecture at short notice. Similarly I will be unavailable to work if required to attend meetings on behalf of my children regarding their academic and social progress, future schools, drama performances, concerts, physiotherapy sessions, eye tests and so on.

That said, obviously due to inflation and now that I have children plus am almost divorced, my financial responsibilities have increased so I would be grateful if we could also reconsider my salary. In line with my additional outgoings I would realistically need a salary approximately double my previous earnings. 

Also, most of my conversation is currently with children under 12. If you could ensure there’s a suitable pool of non-judgemental women with whom I could work that would be great. Ideally I’d want to avoid those who would like to criticize me for being a lazy cow and stopping work to bring up my children and those who would shun me for coming back to work now and abandoning the aforementioned children.

Also, some single men would be nice too.

I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Best wishes

SPB

I think it’s unlikely I’d hear from them ever again let alone in the near future!

But I’m not one to throw my hands up into the air in defeat. Oh no! Instead I find myself starting again with work too. I’m going self-employed, trying to build up a business to support me in the future. It’s flexible enough for me to be able to fit it in around school and I can still work some Saturdays when the kids are with their Dad. Plus I’m fortunate to be working alongside the most wonderful team of people!

Don’t be fooled into thinking I have this all sorted. Far from it! I still spend much more of my day working out logistics than actually working. And I spend a lot of my time running from house to car to school to car to client to car to Sainsbury’s to car and so on. And there’s still rearranging to do when childcare falls through at the last minute, the kids are unwell or there’s some other school emergency to deal with. And I’m not really making much money yet. But other than that it’s all going swimmingly well!

When it comes to getting back to work, we’ve got to start somewhere. The question is…where?

So, here are my top 10 pointers for anyone, single or married, thinking about going back to work whilst still trying to do their best by their kids:

1. Look Forward Not Backward

Don’t waste your energy longing for the old days with the job, salary and reputation you once had, unless of course it’s still workable in which case yipedy do! Otherwise, it’s time to look forward not backward. Think about who you are now, what you enjoy, what your skills are and what role you’d like. Just because you haven’t been working for a while it doesn’t mean you haven’t learned a thing or two along the way. And I don’t mean how to purée vegetables.

2. Retrain Today For A Bigger Tomorrow

If your kids are in primary school you’ll still be fairly limited to the number of hours you can go out to work. If you have some funds to fall back on in the short term it’s worth looking at taking time out to get a qualification that might help you towards your end goal. Distance learning is great and fits in well with looking after even pre-school kids. I managed to do a degree in Psychology with the Open University and didn’t forget to pick up the kids once! If you don’t have that luxury, consider working part time doing whatever you can by day and studying at night. It’s hard work but it’ll be worth it in the end – a job you want and financial independence!

3. Research Childcare Options

Not having the cash to afford a nanny doesn’t mean calling it a day. There are other options. A live in Au Pair can be a more affordable solution if you’re happy to share your living space. Otherwise you can still share childcare with another working mum, take it in turns to do school runs to free up time, use childminders or breakfast and after school clubs, investigate crèche facilities at work or consider help from friends and family. Otherwise, you’re looking at working around school hours.

4. Research Work Options

Not all jobs require you to be in an office 9 ‘til 5 with a commute either side. It’s time to think outside the box! The most obvious option is training as a teacher or teaching assistant. If that suits you that’s great but if not don’t forget to look into other school based roles too – office, administration, special educational needs, marketing, bursar etc.

There are plenty of other jobs you can do based from home too. I’m not just talking about becoming an ironing or cleaning lady, although both are in high demand. Female driving instructors are sought after as well as a host of other roles – keep an eye out for local adverts. Plus there’s a range of sales opportunities (think Tupperware parties for the 2010s!) including books, make up, kitchen supplies, greetings cards, intimate personal items…!

On that subject, I suggest you steer clear of some of the more suspicious mailshots telling you how much you can make working from home with just a telephone. Unless talking dirty whilst emptying the washing machine is something that interests you. And I don’t mean how to get grass stains out of white PE shorts!

If you’re thinking of a meatier self-employment option, using your skills to freelance in your chosen area is definitely worth considering. It may not be exactly what you’ve done before but break down your previous role into its constituent parts and see where you can apply them.

5. Plan, A Lot

Planning is essential. Anyone who knows me will tell you this is indeed my forte! I love to plan. I love spreadsheets and lists too. My favourite gifts have included a clipboard and vouchers for Paperchase. Anyway, work out when you need to be around for the kids and where they’ll be when you’re working.  It’s important to be realistic about what’s achievable in terms of working hours so you don’t set yourself up to fail…

6. Accept That Plans Fail, Regularly

Despite all your planning, things will still go wrong. Babysitters don’t arrive, trains get delayed, kids get sick and schools close for snow days, burst water mains and viral epidemics! Don’t stress, ride the rollercoaster and go with the flow. This isn’t a skill I’ve perfected but I’m working on it. Other than that, contingency plans are good. Having the phone numbers of other mums on speed dial for emergencies is definitely advisable.

7. Prioritise

Working out how much money you need to make can be useful, or scary! But at least you’ll know what you’re working towards. If you’re taking the spreadsheet approach, firstly, welcome to my club! Secondly, make yourself three columns – what I need, what I’d like and what I can do without. I need to pay my electricity bill and I’d like to have the odd meal out but I could definitely ditch the weight watchers magazine subscription! Seriously, check your direct debits for things you’ve signed up for that you no longer need like insurance on now obsolete appliances and deceased pets!

8. Being Good Enough

Don’t beat yourself up trying to work and be the perfect mum at the same time. If your kids are fed, clean and clothed you’re doing a good job. If you generally get them to school on time with most of their homework done and some of their clothes labeled you’re doing a great job. If you also manage to organize their birthday parties, put together their Victorian/Roman/Chicken costumes and get their hair cut occasionally then you’re doing an amazing job! Give yourself a break.

9. Plan time for you

In order to maintain your sanity, or limit how far over the edge you go, it’s important to make time for you too. Life isn’t just about work, kids, cooking, tidying, cleaning, washing, ironing and finally sleeping. You need to have a life beyond that. Have dinner with friends, maybe go on a date, start a hobby… do something! And if you’re too shattered to go out, pamper yourself at home when the kids go to bed with a candlelit bath, gentle music, face mask, manicure and whatever else you fancy.

10. And Finally… Do The Lottery!

Well someone’s got to win!

So, going back to work is possible when you’re single with kids – you just need to be open to new ideas. The work you find yourself doing may not be what you had in mind when you were at school, it may not even be where you see yourself in ten years time, but it’s a start. Some of the most fantastic careers and inventions have been built on beginnings that took an unexpected turn. Who knew that the not-so-sticky adhesive accidentally developed by Spencer Silver at 3M would six years later become the basis for the Post-it Note?!

I told you I love stationery. I know a lot about it. Maybe a little too much…?

Get list-making ladies!

Love

SPB

xxx

Who’s Up For Some Zhooshing?!

After months of anticipation and more planning emails than I dare to count, this weekend my girlfriends and I finally escaped to Bath. Two nights. Six girls. No interruptions. It was fantabulous!

The aim of this annual event, as ever, was to enjoy great company, food, cocktails, shopping, gossip, advice and laughter. And, we absolutely did! As this was my first weekend away as a non-drinker (a story for a later blog post) I can tell you that I also experimented with various mocktails and can highly recommend a Virgin Mojito!

Due to our “baggage” we only manage this get together once a year. Let me elaborate. Between us we have 5 husbands, 1 ex-husband, 17 children, 5 dogs and 3 cats. The advance organization that goes into making sure all are safe and taken care of in our absence makes running a multinational corporation look like a walk in the park.

The lists created for the menfolk left in charge varied from a five page instruction manual including timetable of children’s activities to detailed steps on how to wash the school uniforms. Although, one of our group exclaimed last year over breakfast, as she raised her eyes to the heavens, that if she ever got knocked down by a bus the kids school kit bags would never be right again. Needless to say, her husband was not given sports kit washing duty this time. He was merely left a note saying “feed the dog”. Whilst one doesn’t want to be a control freak, delegation is not always the best way to manage one’s affairs.

The car journey to Bath took almost 3 hours but the time flew by. It’s amazing how much faster time passes when you’re not trapped in a confined space dealing with war breaking out in the rear seats and stopping every half an hour for crisps, toilet breaks and someone to vomit over the hard shoulder. Instead, we chatted, ate our

canapés and drank beverages from Coke to Becks Blue to Prosecco! How very civilized!

During the trip, I happened to mention I’d quite like to buy a jumper similar to the one I was wearing. Little did I know where that statement would lead and the impact my words would have…

The six of us shopped the next morning. They started gently, nudging me away from items I’d selected, guiding me towards others. The narrative was innocuous. It consisted of phrases such as “Yeeees, or you could try this one instead…” and “I wonder whether this length might work better…”

The team had a point. Well, many as it happens. And, let me tell you, they weren’t afraid to share. It’s lucky I love and trust them so much!

You see, I’d got myself into a bit of a clothes rut. Since the separation I’d stuck with the same white t-shirts and blue jeans almost entirely. I didn’t want to buy clothes because I hated my body and wanted to hold off until I’d lost some weight. I’ve been saying that for some time now. So, I only bought practical items when absolutely necessary, like a jumper when I was freezing cold. And I generally bought things I liked but that used to suit my old body shape not my current one (see A Different Sort Of Singleton).

They quietly, subtly, sucked me in. Their smiling faces and whispering voices drawing me closer to their hangers of choice. By the third shop, the rules had changed. The façade had fallen and the calm had flown out the window.

These loving, caring friends had turned into a plague of locusts devouring everything in the shop, rattling through sale racks, grabbing anything that took their fancy and throwing aside anything vaguely resembling the poor forgotten jumper sitting alone in my hotel room.

It was like being serviced by a team of professional dressers. Remember the nice shop assistants in Pretty Woman scurrying around Julia Roberts with a pile of clothes? It was a bit like that, only much scarier. There may have been rules about the number of people allowed in a changing area but no one was about to mess with this team and ask them to wait outside!

They each adopted an unofficial role:

1. The Risk Taker – Pushing the boundaries and getting me to try on items I wouldn’t normally give a second look. Allowing new things a chance.

2. The Barometer – Using her expressions and tone to indicate whether an item worked (applause and cries of “Yes!”) or not (collapsed on the floor crying with laughter unable to speak).

3. The Jeweller – Always ready with a necklace, often one of her own.

4. The Scarf Stylist – Giving guidance on ways to wear a scarf, patterns, which colours complemented my skin tone and which colours made me look “washed out”.

5. The Diplomat – There to soften the blow when suggestions became a little too direct.

(Ladies, if you’re reading this, I promise I love you all and this was such a fun experience!)

The team also had shared roles so all members were Colour Analysts, Confidence Builders and Zhooshers. Crikey the zhooshing was something else! For those of you with lexical interests, the verb “zhoosh” was added to the Oxford English Dictionary in March 2006. Believe me there was much debate about its spelling whilst we were away. But basically it means adjusting your attire. I haven’t been yanked around and groped like that since dating my first proper and somewhat inexperienced boyfriend!

But zhooshing is essential. One poorly zhooshed jumper led to a “floppy boob with fabric tucked underneath it” scenario which wasn’t attractive but once suitably adjusted got a round of applause and a ticket to the “yes” pile.

It did, however become ever so slightly competitive. There was a points system developed so a team member who had picked an item of clothing from the rack scored a point if it ended up on the “yes” pile. On more than one occasion there was a stand off between the one who saw it first and the one who got to it first. Then a fight broke out when the suggestion of putting a white shirt under a sparkly jumper was hijacked by another for use beneath a second top. Necklaces were ripped from each other's necks in order to accessorize better than anyone else. I won’t lie, it got ugly.

But, that evening, we went out for dinner, and I wore my new skirt (I know, me in a skirt?!) and other purchases from the day. I felt fantastic. I had confidence I hadn’t experienced in months. My shape was irrelevant because the clothes were chosen to suit. The outfit wasn’t expensive and there were no designer labels, but I felt like a catwalk model. Well, almost. I felt good about myself and that shone through, making me walk taller and smile all night.

“Fashion is not necessarily about labels. It’s not about brands. It’s about something else that comes from within you.”  -  Ralph Lauren

The next morning I made a little promise to myself. I would take care of myself and take pride in myself again. Not for anyone else but for me.

I’ve been home four days now… My tracksuit bottoms and Uggs haven’t seen the light of day. Instead, each morning I’ve selected clothes that suited me, accessorized, stepped into clean boots, put on my make-up and zhooshed myself silly!

I now enjoy the performance of getting dressed each morning, thinking about who I am and how I want to be perceived. I’ve come to love taking care of myself, something that I believed for quite some time was an unnecessary chore. I love how I feel when I walk out the door each day.

It’s interesting how people have commented that something’s different about me but they can’t necessarily put their finger on it. It’s more than just the clothes and a bit of lippy. It’s me.

“Vain trifles as they seem, clothes have, they say, more important offices than to merely keep us warm. They change our view of the world and the world's view of us.”  -  Virginia Woolf

I’m still me. But I want to be the best me that I can be. And now I’m looking at the world through more confident, happier eyes and the world seems to be looking at me differently too.

I can’t wait to see what happens next…

Thank you to my wonderful friends. You may have excelled at zhooshing this weekend, but you exceed my expectations every single day. Without you, over this last couple of years, I’d be lost… and really badly dressed!

Now, where did I put that spotty scarf…?

Love

SPB

xxx

The Unexpected Post

Having set you up over the New Year period to get your groove on and contemplate flirting (see Don't Look Down), or at the very least make eye contact with members of the opposite sex, this post was going to be the next installment. Seduction Sequel. Part II: The Chat Up Chick. Return of The Single Mingler. The title needs work obviously. And a lot of work at that.

But events this week have taken over. Namely, brilliant people keep dying. Two iconic, British, internationally renowned stars passed away. Both aged 69. Both very private individuals. Both after battling cancer.

I didn’t want to jump on the obituary bandwagon but every time I started writing, from whichever topic area I began, I kept drifting back to the news that had evoked such emotion in me. I guess that’s the nature of writing a semi-personal blog.

I thought about why it was important to me to write about it, and it finally dawned on me. This isn’t about being part of the media circus. It’s not me telling you I once had my hair cut by David Bowie’s cousin’s next door neighbour or that I worked in the coffee shop where Alan Rickman’s first drama teacher’s dog walker drinks cappuccino. Neither of which are true, by the way.

This was about three things.

First and foremost, I have the most immense amount of respect and admiration for the talent both men displayed over decades in the entertainment/arts industry and how they lived their lives. By that, I mean that we don’t know how they lived their lives. Exactly! They were public faces who managed to keep their private lives private. It IS possible after all! The world is a lesser place for their passing, but a better place for their time here.

Secondly, at one time or another I have had quite a serious crush on each of them!

For Bowie, it was the 1986 film Labyrinth where he played Jareth the Goblin King. I even have it on DVD! I remember fantasizing about being Jennifer Connelly and dancing with him at the masked ball.  I was 13, at the time. Watching the film again this week brought back such lovely innocent first crush feelings!

Clearly I was very innocent at the time. I now realize he was wearing very tight leggings and saying that they left little to the imagination is a definite understatement. I was tempted to put a picture on here to illustrate the point, as it were, but I didn’t want to have my blog shut down for contravening decency rules!

Anyway, it’s a great film as any collaboration between Jim Henson and Terry Jones inevitably must be! And for fans of Harry Potter, should you watch this movie, keep your eyes and ears open to spot the bits that clearly inspired J K Rowling along the way.

My crush on Alan Rickman was from the 1991 film Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves where he played the slightly evil Sheriff Of Nottingham. I was 18 by then.

  

You have to admit there was something quite appealing about him dressed in black, snarling sarcastically, with a wicked sense of humour and immaculate comic timing. Besides, who hasn’t secretly wanted to use the line “I’m gonna cut your heart out with a spoon!” I know I have. But just try telling your kids that he was an actor long before playing Professor Snape and you’ve got your work cut out!

Clearly I was more into bad boys and villains than imaginary goblin kings by the end of my teenage years. My therapist would have a field day with that I’m sure!

However, my respect for Bowie and Rickman as artists and the fact that I had fancied the socks off them both in the past wasn’t what made me wobble when I heard the news of their deaths.

It was the shock. They were individuals in the limelight whom I had no personal links to but whom I assumed would just be around forever. It’s not that I’d given their supposed immortality any thought, but it seemed wrong to me that they should die. And it felt like it would always be big news in my world. But it doesn’t happen like that. 

Monday’s news was dominated by David Bowie. By Tuesday, there wasn’t much to add and on Wednesday it was no longer in the headlines. By Thursday, there was mention of his cremation but that was then overtaken by the news of Alan Rickman. And then both stories were swiftly superseded by the three Hatton Garden jewellery store robbers having just been found guilty. Was that really it?

I remember when I was a kid hearing my Mum and Dad talking about some famous people and they were trying, mid conversation, to recall whether they were dead or alive. I thought this was utterly ridiculous! How could you possibly not remember whether someone famous has died or not! How forgetful could my parents possibly be? They must be losing their marbles. Every time a celebrity died it was clearly imprinted on my brain.

But as the years went by, I began to understand. Too many people die for us to remember them all, and these days I find myself doing the same thing, unable to say for sure if certain people are still around or if they’ve passed away.

Don’t get me wrong, some leave their mark more than others. Freddie Mercury, Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, John Thaw, Princess Diana, Amy Winehouse, Whitney Houston, Dudley Moore, Robin Williams. And now David Bowie and Alan Rickman. Random to some people but our own list is powerful to us for our own reasons.

As we get older, and certainly by the time we’re in our 40s, we lose more people around us. Some closer than others. Partners, family, friends, peers… no wonder we can’t remember all the celebrities that have gone.

The world keeps turning.

But for the families, the loss is still raw long after the tabloids have moved onto their next feeding frenzy.

Back in my first post on this blog (see Single Plus Baggage) I said that after losing someone you have people around you, supporting you, caring for you and loving you. But when they go home to their families and you close the door it’s just you. You’re left wondering what just happened. Why me? Why us?

The answer is everywhere. Today it’s you or me that’s suffering but tomorrow it’ll be someone else. So while it feels like your pain is unbearable and rest of the world’s gone out to play, remember it does get better. It doesn’t disappear, but it does become manageable. And life goes on.

…

Quite literally as I am typing this, I have just heard of the death of someone special to me. They were only in my life for a short while, but they’ve left a lasting impression. I will always be grateful for their compassion, kindness and words of wisdom. Silverado, you lived life to the full. Rest In Peace.

…

So, this rather unexpected and now slightly abruptly ending post is dedicated to those we have loved and lost. I like to think of them all up in heaven, or wherever you believe we end up, partying together.

What else are we to do today but put on our red shoes and dance the blues?  Let’s dance.

To quote Davie Bowie… “I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.”

Normal service will resume next week.

Love

SPB

xxx