This morning
it was cold, very cold. In fact it was minus 1 degree Celsius. I don’t have
enough words to describe to you how much I hate being cold. I have a
ridiculously low tolerance for it. When I was at school I was the only one
whose fingers turned purple and hands became claw like when playing hockey. I’m
sure I was born to live in a warmer climate.
Also near
the top of the list of “Things SPB Despises” is clearing up dog poo from the
garden. It’s smelly, squidgy and just plain horrible. I know it only takes a
few minutes to do but you’d be amazed at how many jobs I can find that are more
urgent – tidying the under stairs cupboard, defuzzing the shower head, Googling
the answer to whatever random question the children have posed that morning,
alphabetizing my recipe book shelf… ok, you got me. The latter is a pleasure
not a chore! But, as with the other tasks mentioned, it is by no means as
urgent as removing canine faeces from the lawn when your kids want to kick a
football around.
Not only was
the temperature below freezing this morning but also the urgency to clear the
dog poo had reached an epic level. Without swift intervention I may have had to
report myself to the environmental health people. So, I stood at the back door
with a heavy heart and a pocket full of poo sacks ready to take on the semi-arctic
task. It was a low point in my week.
But here’s
the thing… It was fine. It wasn’t a problem at all. The freezing temperature
had caused the excrement to solidify meaning no more soggy smelly mess. The
scooping was the most satisfying I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve done it a lot.
This light
bulb moment really got me thinking. Let’s be honest, the job in hand, as it
were, didn’t require a huge amount of brainpower. Two of the things I really hate,
which when combined should have presented a double whammy of discontent, were
actually much more manageable. What should have been a hellish job was almost
pleasant. Maybe pleasant is the wrong word but I wanted to emphasize the impact
of this defining moment in my life.
As I
continued the bagging process, I started to reflect on recent things in my life
that I thought were going to be awful but turned out much better than
anticipated. Life at 40-something isn’t what I thought it would be. The
separation and subsequent necessary changes in my world were never in my dreams
but, with a little mental adjustment, I realized they weren’t that disastrous.
It just meant looking at things in a different way.
Mentally, I
went through my complaints’ list and tried to spot the silver lining to each
cloud or the unexpected opportunity presented. Surprisingly, it wasn’t that
hard…
1. Selling The Family Home
I didn’t
want to sell my home and I particularly didn’t want to have to uproot the kids
at such a sensitive time but it was necessary. All those memories of where
they’d achieved a milestone, lost a tooth, banged a head, drew on the carpet
and so on. I didn’t think I could manage without seeing that scenery each day.
But those memories exist in my head and my heart, and to some extent my photo
albums too. However, I realized that I actually needed to leave behind the
ghosts of a failed marriage. The reminders of happier times now spoiled. The
rooms where painful truths were revealed. The corners where so many tears were
shed. It was time to move on and create new memories.
2. Moving To An Unknown Area
Splitting
the assets meant moving to a cheaper area to secure a property for the kids and
me. Goodbye lush green countryside, hello new urban world. At first it was
noisier, busier and less private. I wasn’t sure how we would adjust. But after
a week I realized I wasn’t scared going to bed at night. I wasn’t worrying
about getting broken into the way secluded houses like our last did frequently.
Plus the kids would be more independent and able to travel to secondary school
or to visit friends by bus rather than relying on me to drive them everywhere.
That gave me more freedom too. Mummy-Cabs was shutting up shop, or at least
going part-time.
3. My Furniture Doesn’t Fit In The Smaller
House
Well it
might have done but I’m not sure double decker sofas will ever really catch on.
The thought of having to sell my furniture was hard, but it meant getting rid
of even more negative memories and choosing furniture for my new world. I found
that quite liberating. Plus it was funded in part by the sale of the old items
on EBay. Ah yes, I discovered EBay. If you haven’t done it yet, sell something
on EBay and I challenge you not to become obsessed with checking your bids on a
minute-by-minute basis. What a rush!!!
4. I Miss My Garden
Like the new
house, the garden is soooo much smaller than the last one. In fact, it’s
smaller than the patio of my previous garden! But on the upside, it’s much
quicker to pick up the dog poo, simpler to take care of and significantly
cheaper to Astroturf which is the new big thing I’m told! Although much to my
children’s dismay I’m opting for green with a hint of brown rather than electric
blue.
5. I Miss My Kids
Don’t’ misunderstand
me, they still live with me. I mean I miss them both madly when they go and spend
a day or a weekend with their Dad. I’m just not used to being without them. The
three of us did everything together. Now suddenly they’re whisked away on a
regular basis and I feel lost. I have to give the Easter Bunny and the Tooth
Fairy a new address this year and I don’t want to. This is without doubt the
toughest part of our new lifestyle for me. But, motivated by the frozen dog poo
incident, I am looking for the silver lining. It does mean that I can go out
with a friend at the last minute without needing a babysitter, arrange a work
appointment at the weekend if a client is busy during the week, or even go away
for a couple of days myself for some pampering. Do I sound convinced? No, I guess
not. I’ll work on it.
6. Lonely Evenings
Suddenly
there’s no one to turn to and consult about what to have for dinner, what to
watch on TV or whose family to visit at the weekend. On the upside, there’s no
one to consult about what to have for dinner, what to watch on TV, or whose
family to visit at the weekend! You can choose.
7. No More Intimacy
So, there
are no more kisses, cuddles, shoulder massages…you don’t need me to continue
surely?! I think you know where I’m going with this. The intimacy that comes
with love and familiarity is no longer part of our world but here’s something
you have over your attached friends… the potential for a first kiss with
someone else! Remember that electricity? That tickly feeling in your gut? Who
knows what, or who, tomorrow may bring…!
8. Awkward Friend Situations
Some people
will pick sides, some will choose to spend time with you both, and others will
just disappear off your radar completely. Ultimately, that’s their choice not
yours. Is that really so bad? You may end up with one or two fewer names on
your Christmas card list but you can count on the fact that those who stick
around are true friends worthy of your time. The others are no great loss. Plus,
any friends of your ex that you don’t really like… no need to pretend anymore!
9. I Need To Earn More Money
The end of a
marriage can mean financial pressure to go back to work or increase your income,
as your expenses are no longer shared. This can be tricky (see Single Plus Baggage… Plus Job!). But, it also has its positives. The workplace is somewhere
to spend time with other adult human beings plus you can start to build
financial independence not to mention your sense of worth, something that can
take a bashing post separation.
10. More Silver Linings…
More
wardrobe space, being able to eat pork scratchings without judgment, not having
to unravel balled up man-socks, no need to defend your decision not to take the
child who has just vomited to a doctor to rule out Norovirus and other possible
afflictions… make your own list of upsides ladies and keep it for your darker
moments!
So, it's not all bad. It’s tempting when you first find yourself like
me, Single Plus Baggage, to wallow in self pity and feel like the victim of a crime
but that’s not a healthy long term solution. That doesn’t mean we can’t be sad,
grieve for our losses and hide under the duvet for a few days here and there, but it means when we reappear, we need to think positively and look to the
future.
And we can have a happy future if we allow ourselves to. We just need to
look at our situation from another angle and not assume the worst.
So, I won’t moan about the cold weather anymore, I’ll just wear more
layers. And I won’t sigh when I have to clear up the dog poo, I’ll just imagine
it’s Playdough. And on the days where the two coincide, I’ll smile to myself
and remember the parable of the frozen dog poo!
Right, I’m off to bed in my most snuggly PJs to eat a packet of pork
scratchings and watch White Collar on Netflix!
Love
SPB
xxx
Love this post SPB. In a very similar situation to you and whilst I can be sad I love the fact that I actually can do all this stuff myself.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tiny Tippler. It's amazing what you find you can do when you get stuck in. Keep it at. Love SPB xxx
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI so empathise with the dog poo! I dare not confess how long it's been since I did my back garden.... Yikes! Once my dog ate one of the kids face paints, and his poo came out bright pink! At least it was easier to spot! Huge hugs xxx
ReplyDeleteThat made me laugh SoberMummy! Perhaps we should pitch that idea to the dog food manufacturers… Patent it quick! We could be onto a winner there. Love SPB xxx
Delete