Lessons From A Health Spa

The Easter holidays are in full swing and I’m doing my best to resist the lure of the chocolate eggs scattered throughout the house. It’s not easy but I’m powering through. Actually, it’s not as tricky as I thought it would be due to my recent spa retreat.

So, the kids were away for a few days with their Dad and I couldn’t face being at home without them, awaiting the arrival of the Easter Bunny. Instead, I decided to treat myself and go to a health spa. If you don’t deserve a relaxing break when your Decree Absolute finally arrives (see A Time For Macaroni Cheese) then when do you?!

I packed up my fitness magazines, meditation manual, gym gear, swimming costume, a couple of books and I was good to go! I was looking forward to a rest for both body and mind. Some relaxation, a modicum of exercise and a healthy serving of nutritious food. Was it wrong to stop for a bacon roll on the way in preparation for my stay?

I was grateful for the carb-sugar boost actually as my relaxing spa break didn’t really start well. Nowhere to park, the robe they gave me was way too small (lacking in subtly, I felt), the consultant for my first appointment didn’t show up, one of the treatments I’d pre-booked didn’t even exist (still not really sure how that happened), the lamps in my room didn’t work and the over-bath shower screen had to be propped open by wedging a face cloth underneath it. But apart from that, it was lovely. I was trying to think calming thoughts.

Determined to make the most of my time away I’d booked some treatments in advance, allowing myself plenty of time for quiet relaxation as well as the pampering itself. They even emailed me my schedule before I arrived! I know this idea may fill some of you with dread but trust me, I am a much more relaxed person when I’m organized.

My focus over the last couple of years has been on survival. Getting through each day intact whilst wading through piles of papers relating to separation, divorce, financial planning, house sale, house purchase, utilities, secondary school options, kids medical appointments etc.

I got bogged down in the detail and forgot to stop. I spent so much time trying to achieve an extensive fully ticked to-do list each day that I was missing out on the bigger picture. I forgot to take care of myself and enjoy life. My weekend away was truly enlightening and I discovered some really interesting things…

1. My Right Side Is Wonky, My Left Will Follow Shortly

In an attempt to ease the ache in my shoulders and neck I made an appointment with an osteopath. The “discomfort” I had been suffering is not merely down to my age, as I feared, but my appalling posture, which in turn had also caused what I had previously suspected to be tennis elbow. Basically, if you’re feeling insecure and curve your head and shoulders in or if you hunch over a laptop or i-device for most of your day you are constantly engaging your upper back, shoulder and neck muscles whilst disengaging your front pectorals. This leads to the former hurting and the latter weakening. I think that’s right. So it’s time to stand tall, lift my head up, put my shoulders back and stick my boobs out apparently. I seem to recall writing similar advice about flirting although in a slightly less overtly sexually aggressive manner (see Don’t Look Down).

2. I Am Overweight

This information was not news to me. However, I had been trying my best to be at one with my body, love myself and be happy in my own skin. The trouble is, I’m none of those things. So I can either feel miserable about it every time I catch sight of myself in the mirror or do something about it. As it’s my new policy in life to be happy, I’m going with the latter… no more bacon rolls for me!

3. I Look Better In Gym Clothes Than A Spa Robe

The spa robe gave me a marshmallow like quality that I wasn’t altogether happy with. No definition, no waist, just a blob. On the upside, I looked reasonably ok in my closer fitting gym clothes. It’s all about wearing the right thing for you and your body (see Who’s Up For Some Zhooshing). I vowed to wear my gym gear more often… and exercise in it too!

4. I Can Dance Like Darcey Bussell

Ok that’s a stretch. I mean I took a dance exercise class called DDMix co-created by Darcey Bussell. I loved it. I looked like a grinning beetroot by the end with an endorphin overload that made my mind want more than my body could provide but I WILL dance again!

5. I Want To Run Away… And Come Back Again

Specifically, I want to run 10k then go home with my medal and enjoy a relaxing bath. I’ve done a couple of 5ks and always talked about maybe doing a 10k. So, why not? Surely I can’t be too busy to get fit? If I combine my running with getting outside and having fitness fun with the kids plus exercising the dog I’m ticking three things off my list in one go. How efficient is that? It’s a win-win-win!

6. I Need To Buy A Bicycle

Why haven’t I done it yet? The kids want to cycle in the lovely, safe, flat area where we now live so I let them go out and watch the clock to make sure they’re back in one piece at the appointed time. Err… I could go with them! I tell them I can’t go because I haven’t got a bike. Err… I could buy a bike! The three of us, on our bikes, with a picnic in my rucksack. What’s not to love? Except if it rains. I have my limits.

7. Swimming Is So Much Better Than Drowning

I mean that literally and metaphorically. In literal terms, I love the quiet of swimming. The muffled distant sound of people laughing around me. But, what I hear most is my breathing, exhaling through my nose under the water before bobbing back up for air. I’m in my own world. And that’s where the metaphorical swimming not drowning comes in too. Sometimes, we just need to block out the noise of life to concentrate on our own bodies and wellbeing…

8. Meditation Calms

You don’t need to wear a special robe, sit in an impossibly torturous lotus position or chant words you have no translation for. Ten minutes a couple of times of day, sitting straight-backed on a pillow on the floor, hands on knees or thighs, just breathing. That’s it. Thoughts can come and go, but you always come back to focusing on your breath, in and out. I’d forgotten how calm I felt after a short session and oddly how much taller I feel. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

9. Mindfulness Rocks

Ruby Wax. Mindfulness For The Frazzled. Read it now! Everybody! I’m working my way through the book but I am mightily impressed by this woman so far. I’d previously written her off as a loud mouthed, brash, American pain in the neck but I was so wrong. It’s not just the Masters Degree she gained from Oxford that’s won me over. It’s like she KNOWS ME! She even knows my first waking thought of each day! Anyway, here’s the thing. We spend time and money planning our future - what to cook for dinner, where to celebrate the kids’ birthdays, which holiday destination to pick and so on. Yet all we do when we get to the thing we’ve planned for so hard is worry about what’s happened in the recent past or plan for and panic about what’s coming up next. We don’t savour our food, have fun at the kids’ parties or truly enjoy our holidays. We need to practise living in the moment. I’m not exactly sure how to do it yet as I haven’t got to that chapter but I am definitely going to keep reading.

10. Doing Nothing Is Essential

Downtime is crucial to rest, remember who we are, recall what we value, repair ourselves physically and recharge ourselves mentally. I did a lot of nothing this weekend. We spend so much of our time “doing” but we feel guilty for having a lie in, sitting down before the ironing basket’s empty or enjoying the view from a park bench mid dog walk. Doing nothing has a bad reputation, but I feel so much better for it.

So, now the kids and I are all back home together – running, cycling, swimming and eating more healthily too, but still enjoying a sensible amount of chocolate! I feel physically recharged, mentally rebooted and ready to enjoy my life again. Long may this feeling continue!

But I wouldn’t be in this frame of mind if I hadn’t stopped to do nothing for a while. I wouldn’t have discovered points 1 to 9 if it wasn’t for number 10.

If you take just one thing away from reading my ramblings today, let it be this. Find fifteen minutes to do nothing. Sit in a quiet room with no distractions. Stand in the garden looking up to the sky. Walk through the woods without your children or dogs.

Just let your mind wander wherever it wants to go. Allow yourself to be relaxed enough for interests to surface rather than chores, solutions rather than problems, curiosity rather than necessity, creativity rather than routine. You’ll be so much more effective for it. And you might just find a bit of you that you thought you’d lost…

Right, now where’s my sports bra?

Love

SPB

xxx

It Takes Two To Tango… And Build An Ikea Bookshelf

Last weekend was spent in full DIY mode. Having moved into the new house in August I’ve gradually been buying mirrors and furniture to suit the new surroundings and fit the space. This weekend, I built some shelves for the lounge. By ‘built’ I mean I assembled an Ikea flat pack kit but I’m still taking that as a construction victory.

I am a complete girly female when it comes to DIY for a number of reasons:

1. I read the instructions.

2. I set out all the components and count them before starting.

3. I assume all said components are essential rather than optional, and I therefore use them all when told rather than skipping a few to save time.

4. I use the tools I have rather than going out to buy the latest exciting gizmo which will shortly be relegated to the back of the garage never to be handled again.

5. I only use a hammer when specifically instructed to.

6. I believe the bubble in the spirit level.

I know this may sound sexist but I believe these to be the actions of more females than males. Only this morning I had a phone call from my soon to be ex-husband who left me almost 2 years ago (see my first post Single Plus Baggage) to ask where he should put the rinse aid in his new dishwasher! I gave basic generic advice then gently suggested he read the instructions. It was bizarre on so many levels!

Anyway, since moving into my new abode I have assembled a temporary hanging rail, a dining table and 6 six chairs, a chaise longue style chair, an egg chair, 3 coffee tables, 2 garden storage cupboards and now a shelf unit too. I have an electric screwdriver and I’m not afraid to use it!

The hanging rail was particularly difficult as it was an old one so the instructions were lost long ago, some bits were broken and other elements were missing… I think! It took me hours.

So, back to the bookshelf. I was alone in the lounge with the flat pack pieces, instructions, my tools and a cup of coffee. I had already organized the screws, brackets and wooden dowels into piles and was ready to go. It wasn’t long before I was fighting back the tears!

It’s not that my ex would have done this sort of thing before, as he wasn’t really into DIY. And it’s not that I was feeling cross at having to build a new world one flat pack at a time. I was angry because the task was physically tough.

I’ve had tennis elbow since Christmas Eve and the pain was searing through my elbow, down my forearm and into my fingers. I was trying to hold 2 large pieces of wood at a 90-degree angle and push one into the other with wooden dowels. I tried every permutation of standing, sitting, kneeling and bending with every possible option of shelf unit upright, on its side, on its back, upside down… it was hopeless. And even if I did manage to get myself and the components in exactly the right position, I then couldn’t reach the hammer without something wiggling out of place. And it hurt my arm, a lot.

It really would have been helpful to have another pair of hands, except there isn’t another pair of hands in my life anymore.  Those hands now reside elsewhere. The kids are getting a bit older and could help but if they’re out with their Dad then I’m absolutely on my own.

I was on the verge of tears when I managed to pull myself back from the DIY abyss. I remembered that an extra pair of adult hands comes attached to arms that are joined to the shoulders of another human being. If that other human being, say a spouse, has an opinion, critical voice and an unwanted short cut likely to end in disaster then that’s not really a pair of hands you want helping.

I suddenly realized that doing this alone was actually easier in many ways than working with someone else. There was no voice interrupting my thoughts as I read the instructions, no one standing watching me and no one making “helpful” suggestions.

I persevered with my one armed task. The dog was perplexed. She didn’t offer to help.

Finally, I did it. Granted the last screw only went into place when I had to lie on to top of the unit to force the panel down and align the holes but it worked and, for once, my weight was an asset! The feeling of satisfaction was fantastic. And obviously made me cry some more!

By evening, the lounge corner had been tidied up with the debris previously spilling out of it neatly filed on the new shelves. The room was once again in order. I was relaxed and ready to sit on my sofa, enjoying my newly finished space. Then the dog was sick on the carpet. Keeping my cool, I cleaned it up and settled back down with a serene smile on my face. Then my son, swinging around a toy in a fashion we have all told our children to stop in order to avoid disaster, knocked my full glass of Becks Blue off the coffee table onto the floor. I gave up on my quiet night at that point.

The next day, inspired by my success, I was tempted to pull out the bathroom cabinet flat pack, lounge mirror and hallway pictures and get stuck in. However, it’s important to know your limits.

Firstly, when your arm feels like it’s being stabbed with a burning hot skewer, it’s time to take some painkillers and rest. Also, any furniture item with doors that need adjusting so they don’t end up wonky is not for the novice DIYer. And hanging a mirror that you can’t even lift single handedly is never going to end well. So I’ve booked a lovely handyman for next week to come and finish off!

In summary, I would say 3 things:

1. Build what you can. Keep going. You can do more than you first think.

2. Get help when you need it. Be realistic. It’s not a sign of failure or defeat.

3. Invest in, or make friends with someone who own a carpet cleaning vacuum device.

Happy DIYing everyone!

Love

SPB

xxx

Discovering Silver Linings

This morning it was cold, very cold. In fact it was minus 1 degree Celsius. I don’t have enough words to describe to you how much I hate being cold. I have a ridiculously low tolerance for it. When I was at school I was the only one whose fingers turned purple and hands became claw like when playing hockey. I’m sure I was born to live in a warmer climate.

Also near the top of the list of “Things SPB Despises” is clearing up dog poo from the garden. It’s smelly, squidgy and just plain horrible. I know it only takes a few minutes to do but you’d be amazed at how many jobs I can find that are more urgent – tidying the under stairs cupboard, defuzzing the shower head, Googling the answer to whatever random question the children have posed that morning, alphabetizing my recipe book shelf… ok, you got me. The latter is a pleasure not a chore! But, as with the other tasks mentioned, it is by no means as urgent as removing canine faeces from the lawn when your kids want to kick a football around.

Not only was the temperature below freezing this morning but also the urgency to clear the dog poo had reached an epic level. Without swift intervention I may have had to report myself to the environmental health people. So, I stood at the back door with a heavy heart and a pocket full of poo sacks ready to take on the semi-arctic task. It was a low point in my week.

But here’s the thing… It was fine. It wasn’t a problem at all. The freezing temperature had caused the excrement to solidify meaning no more soggy smelly mess. The scooping was the most satisfying I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve done it a lot.

This light bulb moment really got me thinking. Let’s be honest, the job in hand, as it were, didn’t require a huge amount of brainpower. Two of the things I really hate, which when combined should have presented a double whammy of discontent, were actually much more manageable. What should have been a hellish job was almost pleasant. Maybe pleasant is the wrong word but I wanted to emphasize the impact of this defining moment in my life.

As I continued the bagging process, I started to reflect on recent things in my life that I thought were going to be awful but turned out much better than anticipated. Life at 40-something isn’t what I thought it would be. The separation and subsequent necessary changes in my world were never in my dreams but, with a little mental adjustment, I realized they weren’t that disastrous. It just meant looking at things in a different way.

Mentally, I went through my complaints’ list and tried to spot the silver lining to each cloud or the unexpected opportunity presented. Surprisingly, it wasn’t that hard…

1. Selling The Family Home

I didn’t want to sell my home and I particularly didn’t want to have to uproot the kids at such a sensitive time but it was necessary. All those memories of where they’d achieved a milestone, lost a tooth, banged a head, drew on the carpet and so on. I didn’t think I could manage without seeing that scenery each day. But those memories exist in my head and my heart, and to some extent my photo albums too. However, I realized that I actually needed to leave behind the ghosts of a failed marriage. The reminders of happier times now spoiled. The rooms where painful truths were revealed. The corners where so many tears were shed. It was time to move on and create new memories.

2. Moving To An Unknown Area

Splitting the assets meant moving to a cheaper area to secure a property for the kids and me. Goodbye lush green countryside, hello new urban world. At first it was noisier, busier and less private. I wasn’t sure how we would adjust. But after a week I realized I wasn’t scared going to bed at night. I wasn’t worrying about getting broken into the way secluded houses like our last did frequently. Plus the kids would be more independent and able to travel to secondary school or to visit friends by bus rather than relying on me to drive them everywhere. That gave me more freedom too. Mummy-Cabs was shutting up shop, or at least going part-time.

3. My Furniture Doesn’t Fit In The Smaller House

Well it might have done but I’m not sure double decker sofas will ever really catch on. The thought of having to sell my furniture was hard, but it meant getting rid of even more negative memories and choosing furniture for my new world. I found that quite liberating. Plus it was funded in part by the sale of the old items on EBay. Ah yes, I discovered EBay. If you haven’t done it yet, sell something on EBay and I challenge you not to become obsessed with checking your bids on a minute-by-minute basis. What a rush!!!

4. I Miss My Garden

Like the new house, the garden is soooo much smaller than the last one. In fact, it’s smaller than the patio of my previous garden! But on the upside, it’s much quicker to pick up the dog poo, simpler to take care of and significantly cheaper to Astroturf which is the new big thing I’m told! Although much to my children’s dismay I’m opting for green with a hint of brown rather than electric blue.

5. I Miss My Kids

Don’t’ misunderstand me, they still live with me. I mean I miss them both madly when they go and spend a day or a weekend with their Dad. I’m just not used to being without them. The three of us did everything together. Now suddenly they’re whisked away on a regular basis and I feel lost. I have to give the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy a new address this year and I don’t want to. This is without doubt the toughest part of our new lifestyle for me. But, motivated by the frozen dog poo incident, I am looking for the silver lining. It does mean that I can go out with a friend at the last minute without needing a babysitter, arrange a work appointment at the weekend if a client is busy during the week, or even go away for a couple of days myself for some pampering. Do I sound convinced? No, I guess not. I’ll work on it.

6. Lonely Evenings

Suddenly there’s no one to turn to and consult about what to have for dinner, what to watch on TV or whose family to visit at the weekend. On the upside, there’s no one to consult about what to have for dinner, what to watch on TV, or whose family to visit at the weekend! You can choose.

7. No More Intimacy

So, there are no more kisses, cuddles, shoulder massages…you don’t need me to continue surely?! I think you know where I’m going with this. The intimacy that comes with love and familiarity is no longer part of our world but here’s something you have over your attached friends… the potential for a first kiss with someone else! Remember that electricity? That tickly feeling in your gut? Who knows what, or who, tomorrow may bring…!

8. Awkward Friend Situations

Some people will pick sides, some will choose to spend time with you both, and others will just disappear off your radar completely. Ultimately, that’s their choice not yours. Is that really so bad? You may end up with one or two fewer names on your Christmas card list but you can count on the fact that those who stick around are true friends worthy of your time. The others are no great loss. Plus, any friends of your ex that you don’t really like… no need to pretend anymore!

9. I Need To Earn More Money

The end of a marriage can mean financial pressure to go back to work or increase your income, as your expenses are no longer shared. This can be tricky (see Single Plus Baggage… Plus Job!). But, it also has its positives. The workplace is somewhere to spend time with other adult human beings plus you can start to build financial independence not to mention your sense of worth, something that can take a bashing post separation.

10. More Silver Linings…

More wardrobe space, being able to eat pork scratchings without judgment, not having to unravel balled up man-socks, no need to defend your decision not to take the child who has just vomited to a doctor to rule out Norovirus and other possible afflictions… make your own list of upsides ladies and keep it for your darker moments!

So, it's not all bad. It’s tempting when you first find yourself like me, Single Plus Baggage, to wallow in self pity and feel like the victim of a crime but that’s not a healthy long term solution. That doesn’t mean we can’t be sad, grieve for our losses and hide under the duvet for a few days here and there, but it means when we reappear, we need to think positively and look to the future.

And we can have a happy future if we allow ourselves to. We just need to look at our situation from another angle and not assume the worst.

So, I won’t moan about the cold weather anymore, I’ll just wear more layers. And I won’t sigh when I have to clear up the dog poo, I’ll just imagine it’s Playdough. And on the days where the two coincide, I’ll smile to myself and remember the parable of the frozen dog poo!

Right, I’m off to bed in my most snuggly PJs to eat a packet of pork scratchings and watch White Collar on Netflix!

Love

SPB

xxx