The Unexpected Post

Having set you up over the New Year period to get your groove on and contemplate flirting (see Don't Look Down), or at the very least make eye contact with members of the opposite sex, this post was going to be the next installment. Seduction Sequel. Part II: The Chat Up Chick. Return of The Single Mingler. The title needs work obviously. And a lot of work at that.

But events this week have taken over. Namely, brilliant people keep dying. Two iconic, British, internationally renowned stars passed away. Both aged 69. Both very private individuals. Both after battling cancer.

I didn’t want to jump on the obituary bandwagon but every time I started writing, from whichever topic area I began, I kept drifting back to the news that had evoked such emotion in me. I guess that’s the nature of writing a semi-personal blog.

I thought about why it was important to me to write about it, and it finally dawned on me. This isn’t about being part of the media circus. It’s not me telling you I once had my hair cut by David Bowie’s cousin’s next door neighbour or that I worked in the coffee shop where Alan Rickman’s first drama teacher’s dog walker drinks cappuccino. Neither of which are true, by the way.

This was about three things.

First and foremost, I have the most immense amount of respect and admiration for the talent both men displayed over decades in the entertainment/arts industry and how they lived their lives. By that, I mean that we don’t know how they lived their lives. Exactly! They were public faces who managed to keep their private lives private. It IS possible after all! The world is a lesser place for their passing, but a better place for their time here.

Secondly, at one time or another I have had quite a serious crush on each of them!

For Bowie, it was the 1986 film Labyrinth where he played Jareth the Goblin King. I even have it on DVD! I remember fantasizing about being Jennifer Connelly and dancing with him at the masked ball.  I was 13, at the time. Watching the film again this week brought back such lovely innocent first crush feelings!

Clearly I was very innocent at the time. I now realize he was wearing very tight leggings and saying that they left little to the imagination is a definite understatement. I was tempted to put a picture on here to illustrate the point, as it were, but I didn’t want to have my blog shut down for contravening decency rules!

Anyway, it’s a great film as any collaboration between Jim Henson and Terry Jones inevitably must be! And for fans of Harry Potter, should you watch this movie, keep your eyes and ears open to spot the bits that clearly inspired J K Rowling along the way.

My crush on Alan Rickman was from the 1991 film Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves where he played the slightly evil Sheriff Of Nottingham. I was 18 by then.

  

You have to admit there was something quite appealing about him dressed in black, snarling sarcastically, with a wicked sense of humour and immaculate comic timing. Besides, who hasn’t secretly wanted to use the line “I’m gonna cut your heart out with a spoon!” I know I have. But just try telling your kids that he was an actor long before playing Professor Snape and you’ve got your work cut out!

Clearly I was more into bad boys and villains than imaginary goblin kings by the end of my teenage years. My therapist would have a field day with that I’m sure!

However, my respect for Bowie and Rickman as artists and the fact that I had fancied the socks off them both in the past wasn’t what made me wobble when I heard the news of their deaths.

It was the shock. They were individuals in the limelight whom I had no personal links to but whom I assumed would just be around forever. It’s not that I’d given their supposed immortality any thought, but it seemed wrong to me that they should die. And it felt like it would always be big news in my world. But it doesn’t happen like that. 

Monday’s news was dominated by David Bowie. By Tuesday, there wasn’t much to add and on Wednesday it was no longer in the headlines. By Thursday, there was mention of his cremation but that was then overtaken by the news of Alan Rickman. And then both stories were swiftly superseded by the three Hatton Garden jewellery store robbers having just been found guilty. Was that really it?

I remember when I was a kid hearing my Mum and Dad talking about some famous people and they were trying, mid conversation, to recall whether they were dead or alive. I thought this was utterly ridiculous! How could you possibly not remember whether someone famous has died or not! How forgetful could my parents possibly be? They must be losing their marbles. Every time a celebrity died it was clearly imprinted on my brain.

But as the years went by, I began to understand. Too many people die for us to remember them all, and these days I find myself doing the same thing, unable to say for sure if certain people are still around or if they’ve passed away.

Don’t get me wrong, some leave their mark more than others. Freddie Mercury, Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, John Thaw, Princess Diana, Amy Winehouse, Whitney Houston, Dudley Moore, Robin Williams. And now David Bowie and Alan Rickman. Random to some people but our own list is powerful to us for our own reasons.

As we get older, and certainly by the time we’re in our 40s, we lose more people around us. Some closer than others. Partners, family, friends, peers… no wonder we can’t remember all the celebrities that have gone.

The world keeps turning.

But for the families, the loss is still raw long after the tabloids have moved onto their next feeding frenzy.

Back in my first post on this blog (see Single Plus Baggage) I said that after losing someone you have people around you, supporting you, caring for you and loving you. But when they go home to their families and you close the door it’s just you. You’re left wondering what just happened. Why me? Why us?

The answer is everywhere. Today it’s you or me that’s suffering but tomorrow it’ll be someone else. So while it feels like your pain is unbearable and rest of the world’s gone out to play, remember it does get better. It doesn’t disappear, but it does become manageable. And life goes on.

…

Quite literally as I am typing this, I have just heard of the death of someone special to me. They were only in my life for a short while, but they’ve left a lasting impression. I will always be grateful for their compassion, kindness and words of wisdom. Silverado, you lived life to the full. Rest In Peace.

…

So, this rather unexpected and now slightly abruptly ending post is dedicated to those we have loved and lost. I like to think of them all up in heaven, or wherever you believe we end up, partying together.

What else are we to do today but put on our red shoes and dance the blues?  Let’s dance.

To quote Davie Bowie… “I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.”

Normal service will resume next week.

Love

SPB

xxx

The Fear

The decorations are down, the lights have been boxed up, the tree has been consigned to the recycling centre and the last of the Ferrero Rocher have been eaten. All that remains of Christmas and New Year 2015/16 are dents in the carpet where I rearranged the furniture to accommodate the tree, and a few extra inches on my waistline!

So, life’s getting back to normal again. I love the festivities but I also adore that first evening after reclaiming the lounge. No longer are we in danger of standing on rogue Lego pieces from Santa’s latest offering or risking seizures brought on by excessive twinkly lights in our midst.

It also means the kids going back to school and the return of normal working hours. PJs will no longer be acceptable attire until midday and meals must contain more vegetables than chocolate. It’s back to the real world people. Move along, nothing to see here.

Whilst I look forward to the comfort of my daily routine, it does mean bursting the festive bubble. No more putting things off until after Christmas or waiting for 2016. That time is now. It’s time to deal with “stuff” again.

That brings with it the stark reminder of my Single Plus Baggage status. And for the first time since advent began, this week I was visited by my arch nemesis – The 3am Fear!

Forget monsters under the bed or in the wardrobe. The 3am Fear can’t be eradicated by shining a torch into a dark corner to expose an innocent teddy bear or pile of lost socks. It grips our very souls, takes away our common sense and leaves us gibbering wrecks in the middle of the night.

And what is it we’re so terrified of at this ridiculous hour? The answer is, the future. All of it. Stretching out ahead of us with no certainty to cling onto. Kids, home, income, car, pension, health, job, family, friends, pets… I could go on but I don’t want to add something you haven’t already thought of!

Everyone has worries and the potential to wake up in the night but since becoming Single Plus Baggage, this little issue seems to have exploded out of all proportion.

Not only has the departure of our partners been the cause of this additional uncertainty, now we don’t even have that particular someone to talk it through with or at the very least “accidentally” wake up in the middle of the night as we thrash around stressing. There seems to be something of an injustice here!

So, what are we going to do about it? Are we going to blame our absent soul mate for all that is scary in our world? I hear some of you clapping and cheering at this point but let me stop you there. The answer I was actually looking for was “Oh no we won’t SPB!”

As tempting as it is to blame those no longer in our lives, it doesn’t really solve anything. In fact, the relentless anger it can cause just leads to further sleepless nights and, in extreme circumstances, restraining orders should those black thoughts be followed up with actions. Instead, let’s look at what we’re actually doing to ourselves and deal with it.

What we tend to do in the middle of the night is catastrophize. I promise you, that’s a real word. One of my new favourites actually. That means we overthink our situation and do three things – overestimate the chances of something bad happening, overestimate the magnitude of that event and underestimate our ability to cope with it. Basically, we assume the worst case scenario will definitely happen, that we have absolutely no control over it and we won’t cope with it when it becomes reality.

So, you decide in your head that your ex will meet a younger woman, get married, go on honeymoon, get trampled to death by an elephant and the new bride will disappear with all the money leaving you with no income. Or, if your husband has already passed away, the life assurance company takes back your pay out due to the fact that your loved one inadvertently put the wrong date on the application form.

Either way, you have no money, are forced to sell your home and car then live in a tent near the kids’ school as you can’t afford the bus. You fail to cope with the new turn of events and turn to drink. You arrive late for pick up daily, cheer on the wrong team at matches and attempt to snog the games teacher when he asks if you’re ok.

I’m being a bit flippant here but you get the idea. We imagine a minor issue, extrapolate it to the absolute worst possible and least likely conclusion, and then assume we can’t do anything to stop it or manage it. Panic sets in and we’re awake for hours.

In the cold light of day, we can generally recognize this as faulty thinking. Being aware that we are catastrophizing enables us to look more realistically at the scenario we’ve generated and reduce the chance of a recurrence the following night.

But does that help us when we’re actually in the grip of The 3am Fear? Not really, no. Our catastrophizing mind batters our logical brain into submission and takes over. This is when we need to use the following 5 steps:

1. Get Out Of Bed

We need to associate bed with positive memories.  I’m referring to sleep, amongst other things. We most definitely do not want to associate it with fear, angst and tears else the sight of our bed may well trigger further anxiety next time we try to get a good night’s sleep.  So, first and foremost, get up out of bed.

2. Keep Lighting Dimmed

Whether you sit in a chair in your room, get a warm decaffeinated drink from the kitchen or go into the lounge, keep the lights dimmed. Here’s the science bit… exposure to light at night, particularly backlights on iPhones and similar devices, can suppress the production of melatonin, the hormone that helps regulate our sleeping/waking cycle. This effectively means we trick our brains into thinking it’s morning and we wake up ready to greet the day. So keep the lights low and avoid screens. This is not the time to be checking Facebook, for so many reasons!

3. Write It Down

By putting pen to paper your thoughts can be safely stored for you to review, ridicule and rationalize later at your leisure, thus freeing up your brain for sleepy thoughts.

4. Distraction

Choosing a non-stimulating distraction can be helpful. Reading a favourite old book, picking up some simple knitting or going through a movie in your head can all be useful. Watching a thriller or reconciling your bank statement less so! I sometimes think back to a spa I once went to and imagine myself wandering around different parts of it. Bliss! And definitely cheaper than the real thing!

5. Relaxation

When you’re feeling calmer, climb back into bed and run through some breathing exercises or meditations. Having said iPhones are out, there are a number of useful mediation apps, some with relaxing music that goes off after a pre-set time. I quite like silently talking to each of my muscles in turn telling them to relax. I start with my toes and work up slowly all the way to my jaw, face and forehead, letting my body get heavier and heavier. If my mind wanders, I simply start again. It usually does the trick and I drift off to sleep.

After a decent snooze, the things you were terrified about won’t seem anywhere near as bad. That said, don’t think for a moment I’m belittling your fears. They are genuine concerns about your future, the blueprint for which has been replaced with tearstained divorce or probate papers. Fear is an essential part of human survival, keeping us on our toes and safe from predators.

But just because things have changed and life is no longer what you planned, don’t assume that everything that comes your way will be negative. You don’t know what tomorrow will bring. There’ll be difficulties just as in anyone’s life, but there are also likely to be opportunities you didn’t anticipate either. Chance meetings with new people could light the way for unexpected friendships, hobbies, travel, career paths, anything!

Keep an open mind. You might just be pleasantly surprised by where life takes you!

Sleep tight!

Love

SPB

xxx

Don't Look Down

So, it’s nearly New Year’s Eve and this is my final post of 2015. I could waffle on about this last year – the difficulties, the triumphs, the lessons learned. Or I could look to the year ahead – my plans, hopes and aspirations. Instead, I’m choosing to live in the moment, something I’m generally rubbish at doing. However, a good friend of mine who’s into mindfulness has got me trying to do exactly that - focusing on and enjoying what I’m doing now. I’m sure there’s more to it than that but it’ll do for the time being.

In the now I’m thinking about New Year’s Eve parties and celebrations. Parties in my younger days used to be an opportunity to go out with friends, dance, drink and wonder if Mr Right would show up and sweep me off my feet. These days, parties usually mean me ferrying small people to a venue with laser combat, Nerf guns, trampolines, cheerleading instructors, cupcake baking or go-karting, although not usually at the same time. I generally return two hours later to collect a hyperactive yet exhausted and pale-faced child to be whisked home at speed before they spread the entire contents of their party bag all over the back seat of the car.

But what about a New Year’s Eve party for us 40-something singletons? What are we supposed to do? Well, here’s your answer… Do what we did as kids or in our 20s and 30s – eat cake, have fun, make new friends and just maybe meet someone we might like to spend more time with. And how do we do that? Well, we need to flirt.

Ok, so I can hear the gasps of horror from my desk. Don’t panic ladies. I’m not sending you out there without the right preparation. I’ll be your wingman. I’ve done the groundwork, researched what seemed to come naturally all those years ago, and compiled my top ten tips for flirting in your forties!

Now, for all those planning to stay in this New Year, don’t think this let’s you off the hook. Oh no! We’re all in this together remember? If you’re having an evening in, presumably you’ll still need to go to the supermarket for supplies or take the kids/dog/bearded dragon for a breath of fresh air at the park/woods/beach. These tips are for you too!

And might I add, you happily married types need to read on too. There’s something quite luscious about flirting unexpectedly with your long-term partner. Give it a go and enjoy the outcome!

According to my research there are plenty of opportunities to flirt. That doesn’t mean pinning a guy to a wall until he capitulates and gives you his mobile number, favourite honeymoon destination and ring size. It means being open to possibilities. So, whether you find yourself at a party, café, art gallery, work conference or woodland park the rules are essentially the same.

But, don’t reserve your flirtation for “the one”. You need to practise! Very few of us, after all these years, are likely to get it right first time and I’d rather not send my knight in shining armour cantering for the hills because I was lazy and didn’t exercise my flirt muscles first.

Let me explain. This week, while the kids were with my ex, I took my dog for a walk along the coastal promenade and I made it my business to be open to opportunities. I was utterly rubbish!

I couldn’t look at any guy. My gaze seemed to be glued to the ground with only a brief glance up, the odd smirk rather than smile and disturbingly I also appeared to have become mute. It was not my finest hour. Even the rather lovely looking guy walking his dog on a skateboard (the owner not the dog) who smiled and said “Hi” got very little from me. Now don’t you start yelling “cougar” at me! He was around my age, perhaps a teensy bit younger, quite sporty looking and clearly had found an energy saving dog walking technique… or a quick mode of escape from cougars! Alas, due to my lack of preparation, I’ll never know.

Anyway, my point is, practice is essential! With it comes skill, confidence and a stack of amusing stories you’re free to share with us all in the comments section at the end of this blog! If I’m putting myself out there it’s only fair you fess up too!

So, let’s get down to business! Here are my top ten tips for forties flirting. Start with number 1 and work your way through the list!

1. Don’t Look Down

Unless you are fortunate enough to have a man already on their knees at your feet, don’t look down! You need to look up and maintain eye contact. Advice varies on how long this should be but most sources suggest about 3 seconds or, as one lovely friend once said, just a little longer than is comfortable!

2. Smile

Keep it natural! Demonic grins are a tad off putting. Notice how you smile or laugh when the kids say something amusing or your girlfriends relay a funny story. That’s what you’re trying to emulate. If that means showing teeth then so be it. But make sure you’ve flossed!

3. Speak

At this early stage of communication, merely being able to say “Hi” without your voice cracking is a good start. Say it a few times to yourself, in the bathroom if necessary, before attempting it on a living human being.

4. Use Your Body

Go easy here ladies. I’m not suggesting your start rubbing yourself against your chosen target lambada stylie. I’m talking about keeping your hands to yourself for now and merely leaning in. Then you can add smoothing your clothes, touching your face, parting your hair, stroking your glass, manipulating your drink stirrer, adjusting your jewellery and so on.

5. Light Conversation

Don’t open with anything along the lines of “my husband just died/ran off with the nanny/realized he was gay and now lives with his gym instructor.” Equally, suggesting a weekend away may be premature. Stick with talking about the event, food, drink, friends in common or, if you’re desperate, the weather.

6. Compliment Him

Girls compliment girls all the time on their hair, skin, make-up, clothes, shoes, bags etc. No one ever compliments a guy, with the possible exception of his Mum. Commenting on his eyes, smile or clothing is quite safe. Avoid the trouser area at all costs.

7. Touch Him

I said touch not grope! Briefly placing your hand on an arm or knee can be wonderfully sensual for you both whilst still remaining at a relatively safe level of contact.

8. Mirror Behaviour

This is one of my favourites! Couples over time tend to mimic each other’s behaviour without realising it. If you start to do this with someone you’ve just met it creates a sense of intimacy that can be quite tantalizing!  Just don’t overdo it.

9. Progressing Conversation

Ask questions and be interested in the answers. Explore hobbies and passions, and don’t forget to open up about what you enjoy too. These conversations are more memorable and it gives you both an opportunity to see if you have anything in common or if there’s a spark worth nurturing.

10. Call To Action

Let’s be honest, guys don’t often pick up on our subtle ways and subliminal messages so let’s spell it out for them! If you’re interested, tell him. By that, I mean don’t just end on a polite “It’s been lovely chatting to you”. You need to add in “Maybe we could do this again sometime.” Unless you’re not interested of course, in which case get out of there and don’t leave any evidence of your identity!

How difficult does that sound???

So, ladies, this is your New Year’s challenge. Get your flirt on! That doesn’t mean you have to marry the first guy you smile at. You just need to get back into communicating with adult males, or females if you choose, in a way that doesn’t involve drop off logistics for a kids’ rugby match!

I’d love to hear your tips, success stories and anecdotes so feel free to leave a comment below or email me directly at singleplusbaggage@gmail.com.

And if you remember nothing else when you’re out and about this New Year, remember rule number one - don’t look down!

Happy New Year everyone!

Love

SPB

xxx